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describe a famous person you want to meet

describe a famous person you want to meet kg88K
Generally, people may have admiration for a celebrity like a singer or an actor… but for me, there is a person who is considered my role model…and now I would like to talk about Steve Jobs as he has always been an inspiring figure for me. First of all, Steve Jobs was the founder of Apple computer, a company that revolutionized the computer industry. I suppose one could call him an influential entrepreneur. From watching interviews on Youtube, I know that he was an amazing public speaker. I’ve also heard that Jobs was a particularly creative person and maintained high standards in his company. Unfortunately, he was diagnosed with a terminal illness a few years ago and as a result, passed away, but he left a huge legacy. I first became aware of Jobs when I saw his speech introducing the original iPhone. I remember being so amazed by both the device and his passionate presentation. It seemed clear to me that Jobs truly loved his job. Since then, I’ve watched all of his product release presentations and read his biography. I desire to follow in the footsteps of Jobs for two main reasons. Firstly, for me, he was the epitome of resilience. In fact, in 1985 Jobs was let go from the company he created. He returned as CEO over a decade later and saved Apple from bankruptcy. Second of all, he taught me that creativity can be rewarded. While many people nowadays believe that ideas are worthless, Job's story taught me that, with the correct skills and enthusiasm, big ideas can have a huge impact on the world. . That’s why I have great affection and profound sense of respect for him
Generally
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
may have admiration for a celebrity like a singer or an actor…
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
for me, there is a person who
is considered
my role model…and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
I would like to talk about Steve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Jobs
as he has always been an inspiring figure for me.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, Steve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Jobs
was the founder of Apple computer, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
that revolutionized the computer industry. I suppose one could call him an influential entrepreneur.

From watching interviews on
Possible spelling mistake found.
Youtube
, I know that he was an amazing public speaker. I’ve
also
heard that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Jobs
was a
particularly
creative person and maintained high standards in his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
. Unfortunately, he
was diagnosed
with a terminal illness a few years ago and
as a result
, passed away,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
a huge legacy.

I
first
became aware of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Jobs
when I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
his speech introducing the original iPhone. I remember being
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
amazed by both the device and his passionate presentation. It seemed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
to me that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Jobs
truly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. Since then, I’ve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watched
all of his product release presentations and read his biography.

I desire to follow in the footsteps of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Jobs
for two main reasons.

Firstly
, for me, he was the epitome of resilience. In fact, in 1985
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Jobs
was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
go from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
he created. He returned as CEO over a decade later and saved Apple from bankruptcy.

Second of all, he taught me that creativity can
be rewarded
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
nowadays believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
are worthless, Job's story taught me that, with the correct
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and enthusiasm,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
can have a huge impact on the world.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
That’s why I have great affection and profound sense of respect for
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
him
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IELTS essay describe a famous person you want to meet

Essay
  American English
7 paragraphs
283 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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