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Decline in the proportion of competent labor force. More Old reach their legal retirement age, less young employees is pumped into labor market, -> encounter a lack of energetic employees fit for physically demanding tasks. Increase retirement age?

Decline in the proportion of competent labor force. More Old reach their legal retirement age, less young employees is pumped into labor market, -> encounter a lack of energetic employees fit for physically demanding tasks. Increase retirement age? GlYwQ
People believe that because of mankind’s longer life expectancy in many countries, the percentage of the elderly is exceeding that of younger people. Personally, I would argue that this is a completely negative development. To begin with, one of the most detrimental impacts of old population is declines in the proportion of young competent labor force. As more senior citizens have reached their legal retirement while less young blood is pumped into the labor market, local industries, manufacturing, construction and farming in particular, might encounter a lack of energetic employees fit for physically demanding tasks. Even with jobs that require lower levels of physical activities but more mental work, such as administration and design, decisions and judgment made by senior staff who are fully equipped with long-accumulated relevance experience might be conservative, compared to the young’s innovative ideas and ambition to grasp an opportunity in business. All of these possible downsides could hinder a nation from prospering in the long-term. Furthermore, the financial burden prompted by the growing demand for social welfare but less value created is also a major public concern that several countries are struggling to deal with. To be specific, a long lifespan could result in a longer period of time the government would have to allocate a large proportion of its budget to pay for pension, whereas this must be ensured by a smaller size of functioning labor force. In other words, it is inevitable for the young generation to cope with the pressure from working harder to generate more fortune to feed an increasing number of idle mouths. In addition, the investment in healthcare for the elderly may diminish the available government funding, which can make other vital fields such as education and military suffer from a shortage of income. In conclusion, ageing- related problems resulting from larger size of senior citizens manifest themselves in how a decreasing percentage of young competent labor force and the financial burden on governments and young employees.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
believe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of mankind’s longer life expectancy in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries, the percentage of the elderly is exceeding that of younger
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Personally
, I would argue that this is a completely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, one of the most detrimental impacts of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
population is declines in the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
competent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
labor
force. As more senior citizens have reached their legal retirement while less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
blood
is pumped
into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
labor
market, local industries, manufacturing, construction and farming
in particular
, might encounter a lack of energetic employees fit for
physically
demanding tasks. Even with jobs that require lower levels of physical activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
more mental work, such as administration and design, decisions and judgment made by senior staff who are
fully
equipped with long-accumulated relevance experience might be conservative, compared to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young’s
innovative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and ambition to grasp an opportunity in business. All of these possible downsides could hinder a nation from prospering in the long-term.

Furthermore
, the financial burden prompted by the growing demand for social welfare
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
less value created is
also
a major public concern that several countries are struggling to deal with. To be specific, a long lifespan could result in a longer period of time the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
allocate a large proportion of its budget to pay for pension, whereas this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be ensured
by a smaller size of functioning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
labor
force.
In other words
, it is inevitable for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation to cope with the pressure from working harder to generate more fortune to feed an increasing number of idle mouths.
In addition
, the investment in healthcare for the elderly may diminish the available
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
funding, which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
other vital fields such as education and military suffer from a shortage of income.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
conclusion,
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
- related problems resulting from larger size of senior citizens manifest themselves in how a decreasing percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
competent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
labor
force and the financial burden on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
employees.
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IELTS essay Decline in the proportion of competent labor force. More Old reach their legal retirement age, less young employees is pumped into labor market, -> encounter a lack of energetic employees fit for physically demanding tasks. Increase retirement age?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
328 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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