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Dear teacher Please help me check and give some feedback on this essay Thank you The graph below shows changes in young adult unemployment rates in England between 1993 and 2012 v.1

Dear teacher Please help me check and give some feedback on this essay Thank you The graph below shows changes in young adult unemployment rates in England between 1993 and 2012 v. 1
In this day and age, instead of concentrating on positive information, people tend to problems posted on social media. It is argued that the negative information exerts adverse effects on people and society. While I concur with the viewpoint, I think that the problems would alert citizens to avoid them. On the one hand, there are several rationales why some individuals consider that negative information would jeopardize society. The most persuasive evidence is that the mentality of people is affected by negative thoughts, since people are able to be afraid of the information which may occur to them in the future. For example, there was a video, in relation to a traffic accident posted on Facebook, which attracted millions of views; as a result, viewers are likely to concerned about being next victims, should they walk on the street in the next day. On the other hand, I think that the negative reports could bring benefits to people and society. It is undeniable that the problems posted on social media are able to be an alert to citizens. It is a fact that people may become more careful after knowing problems. For instance, because of careless of a mother in keeping her eyes on her son, the child has a broken leg after trying to go down a stair. This report may help parents to take care of their children carefully so as to avoid the same accident. In conclusion, although the problems on the internet could have negative impacts on citizens, I believe that by virtue of the troubles, individuals could avoid them.
In this day and age,
instead
of concentrating on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
posted on social media. It
is argued
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
exerts adverse effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and society. While I concur with the viewpoint, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
would alert citizens to avoid them.

On the one hand, there are several rationales why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals consider that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
would jeopardize society. The most persuasive evidence is that the mentality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
thoughts, since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are able to be afraid of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
which may occur to them in the future.
For example
, there was a video, in relation to a traffic accident posted on Facebook, which attracted millions of views;
as a result
, viewers are likely
Did you mean "too"?
to
concerned about being
next
victims, should they walk on the street in the
next
day.

On the other hand
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
reports could bring benefits to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and society. It is undeniable that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
posted on social media are able to be an alert to citizens. It is a fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may become more careful after knowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of careless of a mother in keeping her eyes on her son, the child has a broken leg after trying to go down a stair. This report may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
parents to take care of their children
carefully
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
avoid the same accident.

In conclusion
, although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
on the internet could have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
impacts on citizens, I believe that by virtue of the troubles, individuals could avoid them.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Dear teacher Please help me check and give some feedback on this essay Thank you The graph below shows changes in young adult unemployment rates in England between 1993 and 2012 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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