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Could you tell me about my dream job

Could you tell me about my dream job KnQOR
My dream job is a vocation that always helps me find out my hidden potential and gives me positive inspiration. When I graduate the university, I will do a certain job like everyone else; However, in the future, I want to become a general manager in the company. This position helps me always learn new knowledges to manage my group better every day. Because I have to do general management so I would have all knowledge belong to many sectors. Result that, I will find out which sector I will do the best, then I will focus on it and try to become a master. Exception from finding out my potential, I can inspire some positive things to my group, It is inspire to both the members in my group and me. Finally, To get this target I will try my best and learn continually.
My dream job is a vocation that always
helps
me find out my hidden potential and gives me
positive
inspiration. When I graduate the university, I will do a certain job like everyone else;
However
, in the future, I want to become a general manager in the
company
. This position
helps
me always learn new
knowledges
to manage my group better every day.
Because
I
have to
do general management
so
I would have all knowledge belong to
many
sectors. Result that, I will find out which sector I will do the best, then I will focus on it and try to become a master. Exception from finding out my potential, I can inspire
some
positive
things to my group, It is
inspire
to both the members in my group and me.
Finally
, To
get
this target I will try my best and learn
continually
.
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IELTS essay Could you tell me about my dream job

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
145 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resources: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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