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Conducting sports event such as Olympics or World Cup encourage people to live healthy, while some people indicate that there are various other methods to remain healthy. Discuss both views and state your opinion. v.1

Conducting sports event such as Olympics or World Cup encourage people to live healthy, while some people indicate that there are various other methods to remain healthy. v. 1
For the growth of any underdeveloped country, advancements are needed in various sectors such as health, education and trade. Therefore, some are of the opinion that the government of developed countries can share this load of poorer countries. While, others feel it is the sole responsibility of the underdeveloped nation itself. I personally feel that big nations can facilitate the poor countries. To begin with, health and education are the basic needs of a country. In other words, good medical services in a country lead to healthier citizens, resulting in better productivity and lessens the spread of contagious diseases within as well as to other nations. Moreover, having a proper education system is mandatory as it brings fresh ideas and breaks all myths existing in societies. As the literacy rate increases in a country, crime rate tends to decrease. Therefore, rich countries should aid poor ones as these aspects are an indispensable part of living. In addition, trades bring money into the country. This means that, providing finance or investing in businesses in underdeveloped countries, the latter can generate money from exports and also generate more employment and the funds can be used in other essential sectors. For example, US has helped Kenya financially expand their trade in South Africa. Indeed, trade promotes an increase in economy of developing nations. In conclusion, it is evident that trade, education and health are interdependent areas. A poor country may find it difficult to spend money and improve these sectors simultaneously. Therefore, richer nations can alleviate smaller nations to grow.
For the growth of any underdeveloped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, advancements
are needed
in various sectors such as health,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trade
.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
are of the opinion that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
of developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
can share this load of poorer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
, others feel it is the sole responsibility of the underdeveloped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
itself. I
personally
feel that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
can facilitate the poor countries.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, health and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
are the basic needs of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
medical services in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
lead to healthier citizens, resulting in better productivity and lessens the spread of contagious diseases within
as well
as to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
.
Moreover
, having a proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
system is mandatory as it brings fresh
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and breaks all myths existing in societies. As the literacy rate increases in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, crime rate tends to decrease.
Therefore
, rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should aid poor ones as these aspects are an indispensable part of living.

In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trades
bring money into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. This means that, providing finance or investing in businesses in underdeveloped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, the latter can generate money from exports and
also
generate more employment and the funds can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
essential sectors.
For example
, US has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
Kenya
financially
expand their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trade
in South Africa.

Indeed
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trade
promotes an increase in economy of developing nations.

In conclusion
, it is evident that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trade
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and health are interdependent areas. A poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
may find it difficult to spend money and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
these sectors
simultaneously
.
Therefore
, richer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
can alleviate smaller
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
to grow.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Conducting sports event such as Olympics or World Cup encourage people to live healthy, while some people indicate that there are various other methods to remain healthy. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
257 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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