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concerned with our own communities

concerned with our own communities EqQkQ
According to a famous American educator: “Greatness is not found in possessions, power, position or prestige. It is discovered in kindness, humanility, service and character”. Since man began to think seriously about making life more pleasant, discrimination became an integral and indispensable part of our quest for joy and happiness. Some people stand firmly on the belief that they should be only caring about their own communities and countries for helping everyone in the world is not possible while there is a considerable number of individuals who tend to think that all people should be taken into account. As far as I am concerned, we should help each other no matter how far our communities are. The following lines shed more light on the reasons for my preference. Firstly, in this technological era, all nations and countries are related to each other closely. Therefore, if nations do not support each other, they cannot survive. For example, without a shadow of doubt economic trends in one country influences all other countries or at least a great number of other ones. In 2010, the inflation in the USA had a negative effect on developing countries in Middle-East immediately. However, it took some time to feel the same effect in Europe. The point here is that numerous countries encountered this issue at last but not at the same time. Secondly, we are all human beings and it is not ethical just to think of ourselves. Human has experienced a great deal of bright days and some horrible days in history. The latter was mainly because of the discrimination and not practising human rights. The most recent one was the Second World War which happened for the same reasons. Hence, not helping one another can lead to a new war and its consequences. Thirdly, helping other nations, one nation can develop itself. Now, many advanced countries are trying to help some other developing nations. As an example, Australia is trying to help educate some African countries by funding their youth to study at Australia and then allowing them to go back to develop their own countries. As a result, Australia is known worldwide and has made an appropriate appearance even among developed countries. Taken everything into consideration, being closely related, avoiding any tensions in the world by putting ethics into practice and developing your own country by helping other nations are the three main points to be indicated when thinking of the reasons to help other nations. If all communities consider the mentioned points, hopefully, the world will not see any new wars and becomes a better place for sure
According to a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
American educator: “Greatness is not found

in possessions, power, position or prestige. It
is discovered
in kindness,

Possible spelling mistake found.
humanility
, service and character”. Since
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
began to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
seriously


about making life more pleasant, discrimination became an integral and

indispensable part of our quest for joy and happiness.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
stand

firmly
on the belief that they should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
caring about their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own


communities and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
for helping everyone in the world is not

possible while there is a considerable number of individuals who tend to

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should
be taken
into account. As far as I
am concerned
, we should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
no matter how far our communities

are. The following lines shed more light on the reasons for my preference.

Firstly
, in this technological era, all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are related
to each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
closely
.
Therefore
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
do not support each

other, they cannot survive.
For example
, without a shadow of doubt

economic trends in one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
influences all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
or at least a

great number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
ones. In 2010, the inflation in the USA had a

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
in Middle-East immediately.

However
, it took
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time to feel the same effect in Europe. The point

here is that numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
encountered this issue at last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not at

the same time.

Secondly
, we are all human beings and it is not ethical
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think


of ourselves. Human has experienced a great deal of bright days and

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
horrible days in history. The latter was
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the

discrimination and not
Possible spelling mistake. 'practising' is British English.
practising
human rights. The most recent one was

the Second World War which happened for the same reasons.
Hence
, not

helping one another can lead to a new war and its consequences.

Thirdly
, helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
, one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
can develop itself.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
,

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are trying to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
developing

nations. As an example, Australia is trying to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
educate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
African

countries by funding their youth to study at Australia and then allowing

them to go back to develop their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
As a result
, Australia
is known
worldwide and has made an appropriate appearance even among

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
.

Taken everything into consideration, being
closely
related,

avoiding any tensions in the world by putting ethics into practice and

developing your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
by helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
are the three main

points to
be indicated
when thinking of the reasons to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
nations.

If all communities consider the mentioned points,
hopefully
, the world

will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
any new wars and becomes a better place for sure
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IELTS essay concerned with our own communities

Essay
  American English
10 paragraphs
435 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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