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Computer games is very popular in all ages and nation. Parents it has little educational value and more harmful effects what is your opinion about this. Give example based on your own experience. v.1

Computer games is very popular in all ages and nation. Parents it has little educational value and more harmful effects what is your opinion about this. Give example based on your own experience. v. 1
Despite the fact that it is not necessary to change, countless people tend to purchase cutting edge commodities rather than using the old ones they have. In the essay the two primary reasons for this behaviour and the impact of its negatives for society as well as individuals will be explained. The most common thing which could affect people to change new things is that they usually are influenced by their community. One particularly salient example of this is when younger see their friends having trending products, such as the newest iPhone or video games, it will have a mental impact on their thought, that they crave to have exactly the same goods as well. This is due to before that, their friends are attracted by many advertisings which are based on social media platforms or TV programs. Therefore, they follow the trend to change the state of the art commodities. Even though some supporters of this may argue that it can help nations to boost their economy when it comes to people changing the products they use regularly, I personally believe that the drawbacks it brings are far outweighed than the benefits. For individuals, if people have an addiction to buying unnecessary goods, they will end up having huge debts. In this case, it is not a positive development for our society as the more individuals face with credit risk, the huge burdens the nations obtain. By way of conclusion, the reasons for people who are more likely to own new products is thank to the trend of social media and the influence of their community. I once again reaffirm my position that this buying behaviour may cause some individuals getting into debts and then slow down the economic progression of the nations.
Despite the fact that it is not necessary to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
, countless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
cutting edge commodities
rather
than using the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
ones they have. In the essay the two primary reasons for this
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and the impact of its negatives for society
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
.

The most common thing which could affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
new things is that they
usually
are influenced
by their community. One
particularly
salient example of this is when younger
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
their friends having trending products, such as the newest iPhone or video games, it will have a mental impact on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
, that they crave to have exactly the same
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
as well
. This is due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
that, their friends
are attracted
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Possible spelling mistake found.
advertisings
which
are based
on social media platforms or TV programs.
Therefore
, they follow the trend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the
Did you mean "state-of-the-art"?
state of the art
commodities.

Even though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
supporters of this may argue that it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
nations to boost their economy when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
changing the products they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
regularly
, I
personally
believe that the drawbacks it brings are far outweighed than the benefits. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have an addiction to buying unnecessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up having huge debts.
In this case
, it is not a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development for our society as the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
face with credit
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
, the huge burdens the nations obtain.

By way of conclusion, the reasons for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are more likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
new products is
Consider using a past participle here: "thanked".
thank
to the trend of social media and the influence of their community. I once again reaffirm my position that this buying
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
may cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
getting into debts and then slow down the economic progression of the nations.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Computer games is very popular in all ages and nation. Parents it has little educational value and more harmful effects what is your opinion about this. Give example based on your own experience. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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