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Commuters travelling to new zealand

Commuters travelling to new zealand EwMdq
The graph indicates the forms of transports which commuters used to travel to a city in New Zealand. First of all there are 9 types of form of transport distinguished, such as the use of a private car or truck, company vehicle or on the contrary walking or jogging, usage of public bus et cetera. The height of the bars represent the percentage of employers, varying from 0 to 60 percent. There are 2 bars in each category comparing the rate between 20 years of time span, 1996-2006. Overall the highest rate is the private car or truck driving, where the strip reaches approximately 50%, however the number drops by 2006, with more than it’s tenth. In comparison the lowest rate is motorcycle as a type of conveying to the workplace being only a few percent. Whereas the biggest differing is amidst in the division of the public bus, because of the reason that by 2006 the ratio grew over twice of the starting number.
The graph indicates the forms of transports which commuters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to travel to a city in New Zealand.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
there are 9 types of form of transport distinguished, such as the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of a private car or truck,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
vehicle or
on the contrary
walking or jogging, usage of public
Possible spelling mistake found.
bus et
cetera.

The height of the bars represent the percentage of employers, varying from 0 to 60 percent.

There are 2 bars in each category comparing the rate between 20 years of time span, 1996-2006.

Overall
the highest rate is the private car or truck driving, where the strip reaches approximately 50%,
however
the number drops by 2006, with more than it’s tenth. In
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
comparison
the lowest rate is motorcycle as a type of conveying to the workplace being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a few percent. Whereas the biggest differing is amidst in the division of the public bus,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the reason that by 2006 the ratio grew over twice of the starting number.
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IELTS essay Commuters travelling to new zealand

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
165 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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