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Commercialization of education, explain the reasons

Commercialization of education, explain the reasons yNrqE
Education plays a vital role in personal development. Nowadays, education has become commercialized, which in my opinion is very bad for society. Eduction is a basic human right for everyone. Due to commercialization, education has become very costly that can only be afforded by middle-class and rich people. This indicates the struggle of indigents, who can not even dream to provide their children with good quality education. There has been a significant growth of educational institutions in the past decade, because of that it has provided students with massive opportunities to choose from. However, they focus on results more than anything, their main goal is to boast on hoardings about the student's results so that it can increase their profits and they can have the upper hand in the market. Education must be free and accessible to all. Earlier, people use to pursue education to attain knowledge but sadly in today's world, we see it as a tool to get better-paid jobs. For example, if a person wants a higher salaried job, he opts for a master's in business administration not because he is genuinely interested but rather it is a prerequisite for those jobs. Similarly, before commercialization, the institutes used to admit students based on entrance exams whereas currently, they accept students just on donations which is unfair for others In conclusion, the countries with commercialized education should promote education that must be knowledge-oriented, they should take the example of countries like Germany, Finland etcetera where free education is provided by the government.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Education
plays a vital role in personal development. Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
has become commercialized, which in my opinion is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
for society.

Possible spelling mistake found.
Eduction
is a basic human right for everyone. Due to commercialization,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
has become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
costly that can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be afforded
by middle-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
and rich
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. This indicates the struggle of indigents, who can not even dream to provide their children with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. There has been a significant growth of educational institutions in the past decade,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of that it has provided students with massive opportunities to choose from.
However
, they focus on results more than anything, their main goal is to boast on hoardings about the student's results
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that it can increase their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
profits and
they can have the upper hand in the market.

Education
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be free and accessible to all. Earlier,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
Make sure that 'use to' is correct. For habitual actions in the past or to mean 'accustomed to', use "used to".
use to
pursue
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
to attain knowledge
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
sadly
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
it as a tool to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
better-paid jobs.
For example
, if a person wants a higher salaried job, he opts for a master's in business administration not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he is
genuinely
interested
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
rather
it is a prerequisite for those jobs.
Similarly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
commercialization, the institutes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to admit students based on entrance exams whereas
currently
, they accept students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
on donations which is unfair for others

In conclusion
, the countries with commercialized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
should promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be knowledge-oriented, they should take the example of countries like Germany, Finland etcetera where free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is provided
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
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IELTS essay Commercialization of education, explain the reasons

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
254 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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