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Children nowadays watch significantly more television than those in the past, which reduces their activity level accordingly. why is this the case? What measures can you suggest encouraging higher level of activity among children? v.2

Children nowadays watch significantly more television than those in the past, which reduces their activity level accordingly. why is this the case? What measures can you suggest encouraging higher level of activity among children? v. 2
Television has always been an integral part of mankind since its discovery in the early twentieth century. It became much popular among the young ones because of the wide variety of programs available. However, kids, these days, spend more time viewing television compared to, in the past that has taken a toll in maintaining an active lifestyle. In this essay, I will discuss the reasons for the increased hours spent daily on watching TV and the measures that can be adopted to lower it. To begin with, there are many reasons that contribute to the higher amount of time spent on watching the screens. Firstly, better shows and more numbers of programs are aired currently that can attract the interests of the kids. For example, it is widely known that there are a higher number of cartoons and other kids' programs now compared to a decade ago, which caters to the tastes of all children. Secondly, parents have lesser gaps in their busy schedule to effectively control their kids' activities and to guide them properly. Finally, with higher disposal income of the family, the young ones in the current generation are exposed to every gadget from an early age, which further contributes to the problem. Nevertheless, there are many ways that can be adopted to increase their physical activity and reduce the amount of minutes they spend on television. Not only the parents should regulate the hours their young ones spend watching TV, but also need to introduce them to the various sports that demand physical exertion. Additionally, the kids need to be encouraged to spend more moments with their friends. For instance, it is an accepted fact that the kids who socialise more are more adept at social skills as well as physically demanding skills. Moreover, in most parts of the world, there are many recreation centres and clubs for kids that make them actively participate in sports. To conclude, there are many ways that the society can implement to reduce the dependence of the kids on television by diverting their attention to physical activities, which has become the need of the hour. Recently, more and more kids are spending increased time on televisions rather than playing sports.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Television
has always been an integral part of mankind since its discovery in the early twentieth century. It became much popular among the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the wide variety of programs available.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
, these days,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more time viewing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
compared to, in the past that has taken a toll in maintaining an active lifestyle. In this essay, I will discuss the reasons for the increased hours spent daily on watching TV and the measures that can
be adopted
to lower it.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons that contribute to the higher amount of time spent on watching the screens.
Firstly
, better
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
and more numbers of programs
are aired
currently
that can attract the interests of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
.
For example
, it is
widely
known that there are a higher number of cartoons and other kids' programs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
compared to a decade ago, which caters to the tastes of all children.
Secondly
, parents have lesser gaps in their busy schedule to
effectively
control their kids' activities and to guide them
properly
.
Finally
, with higher disposal income of the family, the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
generation
are exposed
to every gadget from an early age, which
further
contributes to the problem.

Nevertheless
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways that can
be adopted
to increase their physical activity and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the amount of minutes they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the parents should regulate the hours their young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
watching TV,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
need to introduce them to the various sports that demand physical exertion.
Additionally
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
need to
be encouraged
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more moments with their friends.
For instance
, it is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
fact that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
who
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialise' is British English.
socialise
more are more adept at social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
as well
as
physically
demanding
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Moreover
, in most parts of the world, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
recreation
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
and clubs for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them
actively
participate in sports.

To conclude
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways that the society can implement to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the dependence of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
by diverting their attention to physical activities, which has become the need of the hour. Recently, more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
are spending increased time on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
televisions
rather
than playing sports.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Children nowadays watch significantly more television than those in the past, which reduces their activity level accordingly. why is this the case? What measures can you suggest encouraging higher level of activity among children? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
369 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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