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Children nowadays spent a great deal of time watching television however television can not replace the book as a learning tool which is why children are less educated today. To what extend do you agree with this statement? v.1

Children nowadays spent a great deal of time watching television however television can not replace the book as a learning tool which is why children are less educated today. v. 1
The television habits take over the books in many times for the children as a learning hub nowadays. It is a common belief that intelligence of children is less because of it. I will briefly explain this in terms of two reasons in below paragraphs. In the modern life, it is an evidence that screens replace paper based learning tools. That is to say, newspaper on the internet or computers, particularly television always are chosen, not only children, also all age groups in the society. Due to, compared to the past, the books are not mind of the kids. They prefer watching some videos, cartoons, and popular channels. For instance, when we keep an eye on sales of children's books, we can release that day by day it decreases. Admittedly, the books are the most learning hubs all the time, in additionally, some good behaviour are gained, such as being tolerant, patient, open-minded. On the other hand, despite of popularized on the television among the youth, the books should not lose importance in any area, especially conscious parents give the crucial preliminary to them. For example, storytelling is a good tradition all around the world. While the kids going to bed, the parents read the book. Therefore, the children sleep with the story and huge dreams. They can observe and feel the reading gets peaceful. Meanwhile, they do not want to the screens from the beginning of clearing mind. That is to say, if the parents are aware of the danger of more suffering screens, they can restrict for children. They encourage to spend more time with the books in order to get knowledge. In conclusion, I restate that the children should encourage to be knowledge from beginning in the early age supporting by reading books. Clearly, no things cannot replace to them, not only children, also for the adults. At the last words, the paper-based traditional books should continue to develop and be heritage all publishing to next generation.
The television habits take over the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
times for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as a learning hub nowadays. It is a common belief that intelligence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of it. I will
briefly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
this in terms of two reasons in below paragraphs.

In the modern life, it is an evidence that screens replace paper based learning tools.
That is
to say, newspaper on the internet or computers,
particularly
television always
are chosen
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
also
all age groups in the society. Due to, compared to the past, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
are not mind of the kids. They prefer watching
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
videos, cartoons, and popular channels.
For instance
, when we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
an eye on sales of children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
, we can release that day by day it decreases.
Admittedly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
are the most learning hubs all the time, in
additionally
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
are gained
, such as being tolerant, patient, open-minded.

On the other hand
,
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
popularized on the television among the youth, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
should not lose importance in any area,
especially
conscious parents give the crucial preliminary to them.
For example
, storytelling is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
tradition all around the world. While the kids going to bed, the parents read the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
book
.
Therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
sleep with the story and huge dreams. They can observe and feel the reading
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
peaceful. Meanwhile, they do not want to the screens from the beginning of clearing mind.
That is
to say, if the parents are aware of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
of more suffering screens, they can restrict for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. They encourage
Did you mean "spending"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'encourage' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to spend
more time with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
knowledge.

In conclusion
, I restate that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should encourage to be knowledge from beginning in the early age supporting by reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
.
Clearly
, no things cannot replace to them, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
also
for the adults. At the last words, the paper-based traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
should continue to develop and be heritage all publishing to
next
generation.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Children nowadays spent a great deal of time watching television however television can not replace the book as a learning tool which is why children are less educated today. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
330 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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