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children behave better when they are rewarded or when they are punished?

children behave better when they are rewarded or when they are punished? m3Qj1
There are major facts that are concerned while debating on this issue as section of society has multiple views on better behaviour and does a child should be rewarded or punished on it. I partially agree to the given statement and shall potray my view in upcoming paragraph. Firstly, it matters how a child is brought up by their family as if a child is disciplined, parent should always reward such behaviour. To cite an example - if a child is obeying to their elders in a correct manner on right issues so, to encourage it one should be rewarded. To set an example that they should get encourage with gracious things and make their habit. In addition it builds a immense confidence, gives courage to perform great further. Moreover, they will not haste in making decisions in their life and their personality will become positive. Secondly, if a child’s character or personality is inappropriate and they are getting merge into unpleasant things then an elder should take an action. However, if they are getting to edge and one is not able to take care of them then to make them behave properly they should get punished. Example - getting along with bad peers, involving in smoking, drinking. There are healthy ways to punish a child and swiftly make them good. It will improvise their character and effect their behaviour. Lastly, it depends on a person that how they are acting and understanding someone as both way is good to make a child behave better until its not done in excess. It can be used in different situations to make them act precisely
There are major facts that
are concerned
while debating on this issue as section of society has multiple views on better
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and does a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
should
be rewarded
or punished on it. I
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
statement and shall
Possible spelling mistake found.
potray
my view in upcoming paragraph.

Firstly
, it matters how a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
is brought
up by their family as if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
is disciplined
, parent should always reward such
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. To cite an example
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
is obeying to their elders
Consider replacing "in a correct manner" with the adverb for "correct"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a correct manner
on right issues
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, to encourage it one should
be rewarded
. To set an example that they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
encourage with gracious things and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their habit. In
The comma is probably missing here: "addition, it".
addition it
builds
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
immense confidence, gives courage to perform great
further
.
Moreover
, they will not haste in making decisions in their life and their personality will become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
.

Secondly
, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
character or personality is
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
inappropriate and
they are getting merge into unpleasant things then an elder should take an action.
However
, if they are getting to edge and one is not able to take care of them then to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them behave
properly
they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
punished. Example
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
getting along with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
peers, involving in smoking, drinking. There are healthy ways to punish a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
and
swiftly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
. It will improvise their character and effect their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.

Lastly
, it depends on a person that how they are acting and understanding someone as both way is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
behave better until its not done in excess. It can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
situations to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them act
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
precisely
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IELTS essay children behave better when they are rewarded or when they are punished?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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