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Children are now less active

Children are now less active kWmKW
It is true that children have a sedentary lifestyle with less activity in their leisure time. While I agree that more time at school should be allocated to sport lesson, I believe that forced exercise is not efficient way to be more active. On the one hand, modern life have made people of all ages especially young people less active which can lead to many health problems such as diabetes and high cholesterol, so the physical activity of children should be increased. In this regard, sport lessons must be obligatory in schools which have different benefits. The greatest advantage is that physical activity improves children’s mental well-being. For instance, when children work as team sports competition, they should think to different strategies at a short time and make a best decision to win. In addition, sport help children learn discipline and working with others as a team. In other words, in real life children do not live or work apart from others, so learning how to cooperate with others and team skills ought to be taught from childhood. On the other hand, some young people who want to stay healthy join a gym out of school in order to take regular exercise, so they do not enjoy compulsory sport. Furthermore, school should allocate a higher budget for educational facilities compared to sport which may lead to the number of educated people in the community will increase which reduce unemployment rate as well as decrease crime rate and positively enhance the people’s life standard. Another adverse point of forcible sport class in school is that sport lessons is a waste time of valuable studying time. Teachers should pay more attention to academic subject like mathematics and physics that student are usually weak. In conclusion, while I acknowledge the idea that children do not have enough activity in their free time, I do not agree that sport lesson is obligatory.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have a sedentary lifestyle with less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
in their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. While I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should
be allocated
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lesson
, I believe that forced exercise is not
Please check whether an article is missing: "a efficient".
efficient
way to be more active.

On the one hand, modern life have made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of all ages
especially
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
less active which can lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
health problems such as diabetes and high cholesterol,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be increased
. In this regard,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lessons
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be obligatory in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
which have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
benefits. The greatest advantage is that physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
mental well-being.
For instance
, when
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children
work as team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
competition, they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
strategies at a short
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time
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
Use "the" with the superlative.
a
best decision to win.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
learn discipline and working with others as a team. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, in real life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
or work apart from others,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
learning how to cooperate with others and team
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
ought to
be taught
from childhood.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who want to stay healthy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
a gym out of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
in order to take regular exercise,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they do not enjoy compulsory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should allocate a higher budget for educational facilities compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
which may lead to the number of educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the community will increase which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
unemployment rate
as well
as decrease crime rate and
positively
enhance the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
life standard. Another adverse point of forcible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lessons
is a waste
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of valuable studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. Teachers should pay more attention to academic subject like mathematics and physics that student are
usually
weak.

In conclusion
, while I acknowledge the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
in their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lesson
is obligatory.
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IELTS essay Children are now less active

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
318 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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