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Children are facing more pressure nowdays from academic, social and commercial perspective. What are the causes of these pressure and what measure should be taken to reduce this? v.1

Children are facing more pressure nowdays from academic, social and commercial perspective. What are the causes of these pressure and what measure should be taken to reduce this? v. 1
This is an accepted fact that there is an increase in the number of employees who are working for a long period of time, and spend negligible time for their hobbies. Economically beneficial as working for long hours might be, there are more drawbacks in pursuing such lifestyle. There are many reasons why people spend more time working rather than having their leisure activities, the best of which can be economical problems. Life-work balance is affected by the degree of a country's development and personality. Developing countries struggle with economical challenges, such as low GDP and low rate of experienced work force, allowing them to force their labours to work for the late hours of working day making them to be economically prosperous. Similarly, some people have personal economic problems making them to be a workaholic. For example, most of young people who do not have enough money to buy their life assets needs to work more than others to reach their goals. Hence long hours of work can be beneficial for some people and countries. Despite the advantages above, there are unquestionable problems in working for late night. Mental and physical health problems are some of the obvious problems in the case of being workaholic. Extrovert people need to communicate with their beloved family members and friends, making them to be vulnerable in many cases which leads to mental problems. Likewise, posing body in the same position everyday is an unhealthy habit which can cause many physical problems. Having elaborated on the advantages and disadvantages of working for long hours, it seems fair to say that there are more disadvantages in working long hours in the favour of being prosperous and paying no attention to other needs of the body.
This is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
fact that there is an increase in the number of employees who are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
period of time, and spend negligible time for their hobbies.
Economically
beneficial as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
might be, there are more drawbacks in pursuing such lifestyle.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend more time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
rather
than having their leisure activities, the best of which can be
Did you mean "economic" (=connected with economy)?
economical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
. Life-work balance is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by the degree of a country's development and personality.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Developing countries
struggle with economical challenges, such as low GDP and low rate of experienced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
force, allowing them to force their
Possible spelling mistake. 'labours' is British English.
labours
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for the late
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
day making them to be
economically
prosperous.
Similarly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have personal economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
making them to be a workaholic.
For example
, most of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
their life assets needs to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
more than others to reach their goals.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
can be beneficial for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and countries.

Despite the advantages above, there are unquestionable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for late night. Mental and physical health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
are
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
obvious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
in the case of being workaholic. Extrovert
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to communicate with their beloved family members and friends, making them to be vulnerable in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases which leads to mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
.
Likewise
, posing body in the same position
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
is an unhealthy habit which can cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
physical problems.

Having elaborated on the advantages and disadvantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
, it seems
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
to say that there are more disadvantages in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of being prosperous and paying no attention to other needs of the body.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Children are facing more pressure nowdays from academic, social and commercial perspective. What are the causes of these pressure and what measure should be taken to reduce this? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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