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bullying between schools' students

bullying between schools' students x035N
Due to its harmful consequences, many consider bullying a sever dilemma that threatens schools and society alike. While dispersed families and financial crisis are considered the main causative of this problem, I think that resolving any family conflict and supporting the society economy would diminish this phenomenon drastically. Firstly, in spite of the fact that the reasons of bullying are manifold and no manifest causative for it, I reckon that lack of love between family member would impose massive stress on those members; therefore, kids will try to get rid of this anxiety irrespective to the approach. For example, kids who witness a daily conflict between parents would not have serenity, and they would try to release their pressure with bullying or fighting with their peers. Moreover, financial crisis play a pivotal role in this field because when students are deprived, they would be envious for their counterparts who live in a wealth. Consequently, they would try to insult their colleagues because they feel that they are inferior. Secondly, since the best way to tackle any problem is to process its causative, I bet that supporting the family morally and economically would vanish this obstacle which impedes many students performance. For example, when family lives peacefully and purely together, this would be reflected at their kids' behavior. Thus, since the conflict between any two spouse inevitable, governments should assign at every neighborhood social-conflict professions in order to tackle any trouble between couples. Furthermore, I believe that bullying would not be cancelled from schools unless the family and society were satisfied financially. Basic needs of pupils have to be fed otherwise they would try violate and steel their friends. Once was a strict penalty on any physical insult, they would try to abuse their friends morally. In conclusion many schools witness a madly increasing of bullying between students because of family financial and morale hitches. I think, dealing with these factors would reduce its consequences dramatically.
Due to its harmful consequences,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bullying
a sever dilemma that threatens schools and society alike. While dispersed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
and financial crisis
are considered
the main causative of this problem, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that resolving any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
conflict and supporting the society economy would diminish this phenomenon
drastically
.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
the fact that the reasons of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bullying
are manifold and no manifest causative for it, I reckon that lack of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
member would impose massive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
on those members;
therefore
, kids will try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of this anxiety irrespective to the approach.
For example
, kids who witness a daily conflict between parents would not have serenity, and they would try to release their pressure with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bullying
or fighting with their peers.
Moreover
, financial crisis play a pivotal role in this field
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when students
are deprived
, they would be envious for their counterparts who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a wealth.
Consequently
, they would try to insult their colleagues
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they feel that they are inferior.

Secondly
, since the best way to tackle any problem is to process its causative, I bet that supporting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
morally
and
economically
would vanish this obstacle which impedes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Possible typo: apostrophe is missing. Did you mean "students'" or "student's"?
students
performance.
For example
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
peacefully
and
purely
together, this would
be reflected
at their kids' behavior.
Thus
, since the conflict between any two spouse inevitable,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should assign at every neighborhood social-conflict professions in order to tackle any trouble between couples.
Furthermore
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bullying
would not
be cancelled
from schools unless the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and society
were satisfied
financially
. Basic needs of pupils
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be fed
otherwise
they would
Probably a preposition is missing after 'try'.
try violate
and steel their friends. Once was a strict penalty on any physical insult, they would try to abuse their friends
morally
.

In conclusion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
schools witness a
madly
increasing of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bullying
between students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
financial and morale hitches. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
, dealing with these factors would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
its consequences
dramatically
.
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IELTS essay bullying between schools' students

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
325 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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