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some people say that what children watch influences their behaviour

some people say that what children watch influences their behaviour MB2da
It is true that watching TV affects children. While some people believe that the length of time spent watching them that has a significant impact on children. In my opinion, it is the content of the program that has a more marked influence on their behavior. On the one hand, there are several reasons why watching TV for long periods of time has negative effects on the development of children both about physically and psychologically. Firstly, children are exposed to intermittent flashes of light from the television, this could cause serious damage to the eyes and can cause temporary blindness if children watch TV excessively. In addition, when children keep their eyes glued to screens for several hours, waves from the television may cause a headache, even this can significantly increase the risk of developing obesity and type 2 diabetes. Secondly, the enormous amounts of time are spent wastefully for electronic devices by young viewers instead of it should be used in more useful activities like reading, exercise and interacting with friends or their relatives. All of the activities are crucial for a healthy lifestyle. When children watch television excessively, as a result they are less likely to be spending time developing social skills. For instance, the productivity of group work will be decreased if the lack of communication skill. On the other hand, it is the broadcasted images that have the most direct effects on young viewers. First reason is that in our modern consumer society, commercial advertising also affects how children behave. For example, children are easily swayed by advertisements for food, toy or video games and so may promote their parent to buy these goods impulsively. Another reason is that the unhealthy content of television programs can be major reason that children more turn to crime in the future. Through advertising on prime time television children are not hard to learn about the alcohol and smoking use. Consequently, the number of children who break a law increasing constantly in many countries. In conclusion, though both two factors have their own implications, I believe that the content is more considerable. Hence, parent intervention is essential in controlling children's TV viewing habits and awareness of children about programs with a healthy mind.
It is true that watching TV affects
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the length of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
spent watching them that has a significant impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. In my opinion, it is the content of the program that has a more marked influence on their behavior.

On the one hand, there are several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
why watching TV for long periods of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
both about
physically
and
psychologically
.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are exposed
to intermittent flashes of light from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
, this could cause serious damage to the eyes and can cause temporary blindness if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
TV
excessively
.
In addition
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their eyes glued to screens for several hours, waves from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
may cause a headache, even this can
significantly
increase the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of developing obesity and type 2 diabetes.
Secondly
, the enormous amounts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
are spent
wastefully
for electronic devices by young viewers
instead
of it should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in more useful activities like reading, exercise and interacting with friends or their relatives.
Consider using "all the".
All of the
activities are crucial for a healthy lifestyle. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
excessively
,
as a result
they are less likely to be spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
developing social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
For instance
, the productivity of group work will
be decreased
if the lack of communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
.

On the other hand
, it is the broadcasted images that have the most direct effects on young viewers.
First
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
is that in our modern consumer society, commercial advertising
also
affects how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
behave.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
easily
swayed by advertisements for food, toy or video games and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
may promote their parent to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
impulsively
. Another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
is that the unhealthy content of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
programs can be major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
more turn to crime in the future. Through advertising on prime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to learn about the alcohol and smoking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
.
Consequently
, the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who break a law increasing
constantly
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries.

In conclusion
, though both two factors have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
implications, I believe that the content is more considerable.
Hence
, parent intervention is essential in controlling children's TV viewing habits and awareness of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about programs with a healthy mind.
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IELTS essay some people say that what children watch influences their behaviour

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
373 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
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