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Bringing up by family VS society

Bringing up by family VS society KV9jM
There is no wonder that is our family give us more important education than the any another education in whole life experience. Any psychology says you that our family, I mean family where we was born, make our foundation of our personality. As we know our personality determine our fate. We are consist from thousands habits, patterns, characters, most of all was acquired subconsciously while we was growing up. There are many instances about how we make choice in terms of relationships with opposite gender. It's supposed to pay attention and choose the partners who most similar to our mother or dad and as usually we make copy from relationship model our family to our own relationships. We are used to think that is our behavior and relationships with surrounded people is perceived as a natural. But also psychologies and researches say that we are copy behavior from our parents and it influences for how we overcome the difficulties and what path we choose in life. In my opinion, the best education which we take from our family is Love, how to love unconditionally. Its 'important thing and its determine such quality as the şelf love. Psychologies consider that the self love is impact to self respecting and self confidence, which in turn affects the attitude and perceiving other people and it also determinegthe success in different fields' in life. Unfortunately, there thany - instances of dysfunctional families where children as usually get the psychological traumas, especially the kids fromChildren's Shelters. The statistic data shows that 80 percent of that children in eurrent C days are living with alcohol addictions or somethng stuff like that. Only 10 percent of that children have a good experience of adaptation to an independent life
There is no wonder
that is
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
give us more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
education than the any another education in whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
experience. Any psychology says you that our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, I mean
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
where we
Use first person plural verb with 'we': "are", "were".
was
born,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our foundation of our personality.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
we know our personality determine our fate. We are
Consider using a past participle here: "consisted".
consist
from thousands habits, patterns, characters, most of all
was acquired
subconsciously
while we
Use first person plural verb with 'we': "are", "were".
was
growing up. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
instances about how we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
choice in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
with opposite gender. It's supposed to pay attention and choose the partners who most similar to our mother or dad and as
usually
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
copy from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationship
model our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
to our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
. We are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that is
our behavior and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
with surrounded
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
perceived as a natural.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
also
psychologies and researches say that we are copy behavior from our parents and it influences for how we overcome the difficulties and what path we choose in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. In my opinion, the best education which we take from our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Love
, how to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
love
unconditionally
. Its '
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
thing and its determine such quality as the
Possible spelling mistake found.
şelf
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
love
. Psychologies consider that the self
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
love
is impact to
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self respecting
and
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self confidence
, which in turn affects the attitude and perceiving other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and it
also
Possible spelling mistake found.
determinegthe
success in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
fields' in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Unfortunately, there
Possible spelling mistake found.
thany
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
instances of dysfunctional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
where children as
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the psychological traumas,
especially
the kids
Possible spelling mistake found.
fromChildren
's Shelters. The statistic data
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that 80 percent of that children in
Possible spelling mistake found.
eurrent
C days are living with alcohol addictions or
Possible spelling mistake found.
somethng
stuff like that.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
10 percent of that children have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
experience of adaptation to an independent
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
life
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IELTS essay Bringing up by family VS society

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
290 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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