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Both the poor and the rich find the accessibility into university difficult. Do you agree or disagree? v.9

Both the poor and the rich find the accessibility into university difficult. v. 9
In the modern world, university education is essential for every individual to achieve life goals and dreams. However, enrolled in the university for poor people is no longer an easy task due to extreme competition among modern students. But I believe money can buy an education, so I will not fully agree with this statement. Firstly, many universities around the world that provide quality education. Therefore, numerous students travel to complete their studies by finding their desired campus. In other word, student those who have money able to do their studies without hesitation while the poor struggle with their financial issues. Lack of resources is another issue some of the individuals facing difficult lifestyle. For an instant, a typical student's needs are higher than ordinary people who need equipment like study materials, laptops, books, food, and accommodation. Secondly, In the modern world, there are many private universities, which provide education for money. Even the teenager who not at university-level, with money they can enroll with the campus. But some poor students unable to complete their college education properly as a result of that they miss university education. An example, without a quality lifestyle some children will not able to complete their primary education even they are extremely intelligent. And those who have to join the workforce early due to family issues, consequently, they miss their education. Finally, I argue that with grate financial background opens a party to university even any condition. But students who suffering from poorly hard to access any kind of campus due to the numerous problems. However, it is known many leaders and famous characters have come form low-level background.
In the modern world,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is essential for every individual to achieve life goals and dreams.
However
, enrolled in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
for poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
no longer an easy task due to extreme competition among modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I will not
fully
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
around the world that provide quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
Therefore
, numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
travel to complete their studies by finding their desired campus. In other word,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
able to do their studies without hesitation while the poor struggle with their financial issues. Lack of resources is another issue
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
individuals facing difficult lifestyle. For an instant, a typical student's needs are higher than ordinary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
need equipment like study materials, laptops, books, food, and accommodation.

Secondly
, In the modern world, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
, which provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. Even the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
not at university-level, with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
they can enroll with the campus.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
unable to complete their college
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
properly
as a result
of that they miss
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. An example, without a quality lifestyle
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
children will not able to complete their primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
even they are
extremely
intelligent. And those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the workforce early due to family issues,
consequently
, they miss their education.

Finally
, I argue that with grate financial background opens a party to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
even any condition.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
suffering from
poorly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to access any kind of campus due to the numerous problems.
However
, it
is known
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
leaders and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
characters have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
form low-level background.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Both the poor and the rich find the accessibility into university difficult. v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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