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Both the poor and the rich find the accessibility into university difficult. Do you agree or disagree? v.3

Both the poor and the rich find the accessibility into university difficult. v. 3
It is argued by some that, both, the people with inadequate means and the ones that have more than enough find it hard to get admission into a university. I completely disagree with this opinion and think that there are many significant challenges that a poor student faces, which makes it many folds more difficult for him to obtain higher education. First of all, there is no common entrance exam, which leads to filling multiple entrance forms to have a higher chance of acceptance, thus requiring money which a poor student cannot afford. With less means student has to compromise and can only apply for entrance exams that he can afford, decreasing his chances of getting selected, making it tough for a financially deficient student. Secondly, to support the family and their education, impoverished students do odd jobs which gives them less time to prepare for entrance exams. Earning money is essential for students like these to continue their education but spending time doing work that they should be spending studying affects their preparation for getting into college whereas people with enough means do not have to work and can get a tutor to prepare them for exams giving them an upper hand to those who cannot afford to have a tutor or spare time for the same. For instance, a friend of mine who came from a very humble background had to do two shifts a day to support his school and family and in the midst of this could not prepare for the entrance exam. Where others were getting tuitions, he was working and finally ended up not performing well in the entrance test. Thus, having money gives an edge over those who do not have it making it harder for a poor student to get higher education. To conclude, I firmly believe that a poor student has to face several challenges which makes it very difficult for him to get admission into college.
It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that, both, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with inadequate means and the ones that have more than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
find it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
admission into a university. I completely disagree with this opinion and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
significant challenges that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
faces, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
folds more difficult for him to obtain higher education.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, there is no common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entrance
exam, which leads to filling multiple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entrance
forms to have a higher chance of acceptance,
thus
requiring money which a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
cannot afford. With
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun means is countable.
less
means
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
compromise and can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
apply for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entrance
exams that he can afford, decreasing his chances of getting selected, making it tough for a
financially
deficient student.

Secondly
, to support the family and their education, impoverished
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
do odd jobs which gives them less time to prepare for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entrance
exams. Earning money is essential for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
like these to continue their education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
spending time doing work that they should be spending studying affects their preparation for getting into college whereas
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
means do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work and can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a tutor to prepare them for exams giving them an upper hand to those who cannot afford to have a tutor or spare time for the same.
For instance
, a friend of mine who came from a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
humble background had to do two shifts a day to support his school and family and in the midst of this could not prepare for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entrance
exam. Where others were getting
Possible spelling mistake found.
tuitions
, he was working and
finally
ended up not performing well in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entrance
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
test
.
Thus
, having money gives an edge over those who do not have it making it harder for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
higher education.

To conclude
, I
firmly
believe that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
face several challenges which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult for him to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
admission into college.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Both the poor and the rich find the accessibility into university difficult. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
326 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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