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Big sporting events are shown on television like Olympic and world cup, some people say that this would encourage adult to exercise. Others say that other ways we can encourage exercises. What do you think? v.1

Big sporting events are shown on television like Olympic and world cup, some people say that this would encourage adult to exercise. Others say that other ways we can encourage exercises. What do you think? v. 1
Sports have played a very important role in the lives of the human beings, since time immemorial. They have served as platforms for people to come together and flex their muscles. With the technological advancements, we now have the comfort of watching large sports events on our televisions. While some believe that this can encourage physical activity, others are of the opinion that there are better alternatives to motivate exercise. I strongly believe that there are other better methods than watching TV to induce people to workout and this essay will support my opinion with relevant evidences. Before the invention of TV, children used to play everyday with other kids in their locality or schools in the evening. This regular habit of playing promoted physical fitness right from a very young age. However, after the introduction of the small screen at homes, more and more children have started becoming addicted to watching shows rather than going outside and playing. For example, the obesity levels of children in today's World are the highest on record. Therefore, we can observe that the comfort of watching sports events and other shows at home has only reduced the habit of playing among children. The large events such as World Cup, FIFA, Olympics, etc. , are particularly seen by adults. The fact is that when people watch these games, the same hormones that secrete in the players are secreted in the viewers as well. For instance, a man watching a football match becomes associated with the players mentally and believes that he is playing the game, leading to his body generating adrenaline, the stress hormone. This is dangerous because the individual gets the satisfaction of having done the physical activity, without actually doing it, resulting in zero motivation to take the effort to perform the exercise. In a nutshell, viewing the games on small screen does not in any way help in promoting physical activity. Therefore, more suitable methods such as organizing marathons, tournaments and adventure games in the local community can go a long way in imparting fitness goals and good habits among the public. It is recommended that public awareness on the hazards of obesity and the need to exercise is propagated and appropriate measures like organizing community events are taken by the local Government.
Sports have played a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of the human beings, since time immemorial. They have served as platforms for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
together and flex their muscles. With the technological advancements, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
have the comfort of watching large sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
on our televisions. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe that this can encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activity, others are of the opinion that there are better alternatives to motivate exercise. I
strongly
believe that there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
better methods than watching TV to induce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to workout and this essay will support my opinion with relevant evidences.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Before
the invention of TV, children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to play
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
kids in their locality or schools in the evening. This regular habit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
promoted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
fitness right from a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
young age.
However
, after the introduction of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
screen at homes, more and more children have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
becoming addicted to watching
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
rather
than going outside and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
.
For example
, the obesity levels of children in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's World are the highest on record.
Therefore
, we can observe that the comfort of watching sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
at home has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
the habit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
among children.

The large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
such as World Cup, FIFA, Olympics, etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
are
particularly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
by adults. The fact is that when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, the same hormones that secrete in the players
are secreted
in the viewers
as well
.
For instance
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
watching a football match becomes associated with the players mentally and believes that he is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
the game, leading to his body generating adrenaline, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
hormone. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the individual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
the satisfaction of having done the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activity, without actually doing it, resulting in zero motivation to take the effort to perform the exercise.

In a nutshell, viewing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
screen does not in any way
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in promoting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activity.
Therefore
, more suitable methods such as organizing marathons, tournaments and adventure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
in the local community can go a long way in imparting fitness goals and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
habits among the public. It
is recommended
that public awareness on the hazards of obesity and the need to exercise
is propagated
and appropriate measures like organizing community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
are taken
by the local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Big sporting events are shown on television like Olympic and world cup, some people say that this would encourage adult to exercise. Others say that other ways we can encourage exercises. What do you think? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
382 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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