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Big Salary is much more important than the job satisfaction. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Big Salary is much more important than the job satisfaction. v. 1
In the era of modern, the money has become a fragment of life. More and more people want to obtain the wages for their many purposes. Many individuals are approaching the jobs which have no interest. Owing to some circumstances they have to opt jobs with big salaries, which is very significant popular than the task satisfactorily. I strongly agree with the hook. Therefore, In the upcoming paragraphs I will explain reasons and add my specific conclusion. To embark with, the selection of an office should be based on own interest, this is because the people who makes a career with their interest, are more likely to be created, new innovations or techniques to accomplish their task efficiently instead of others who do not like their occupation as much. Owing to this not only the performance level, but also the promotion can be enhanced. For example, a numerous of famous researchers made their career choices, not because of appealing wages, but because they were passionate regards science. Nevertheless, if they choose their profession cause of abundance of earning exclusively, his or her carrier will make progress slowly, that's why I recommend this approach. Additionally, quality of relationship with other employees at a workplace is extremely pivotal, which means that if any of the staff member does not feel elated with their co-workers, he or she will tend to get stressed resulting in his or her personal life can be disturbing. For instance, having a good manager or friendly colleagues can make a huge difference to worker's levels of happiness and general attribute of life. Consequently, he or she cannot share personal perspectives on projects so that productivity will be affected, therefore, I agree with this. In conclusion, although a great deal of monthly remuneration does matter, I strongly assert that job satisfaction has tremendous advantages because it makes individuals exhilarated and stimulated.
In the era of modern, the money has become a fragment of life. More and more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
want to obtain the wages for their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
purposes.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
individuals are approaching the jobs which have no interest. Owing to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
circumstances they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
opt jobs with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
salaries, which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
significant
Use "(popular)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
popular
than the task
satisfactorily
. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the hook.
Therefore
, In the upcoming paragraphs I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
reasons and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
my specific conclusion.

To embark with, the selection of an office should
be based
on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
interest, this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
Did you mean "make"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'people' should be used.
makes
a career with their interest, are more likely to
be created
, new innovations or techniques to accomplish their task
efficiently
instead
of others who do not like their occupation as much. Owing to this not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the performance level,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the promotion can
be enhanced
.
For example
,
The phrase 'a numerous of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'a' and 'of'.
a numerous of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
researchers made their career choices, not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of appealing wages,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they were passionate regards science.
Nevertheless
, if they choose their profession cause of abundance of earning exclusively,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
carrier will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
progress
slowly
, that's why I recommend this approach.

Additionally
, quality of relationship with other employees at a workplace is
extremely
pivotal, which means that if any of the staff member does not feel elated with their co-workers, he or she will tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
resulting in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
personal life can be disturbing.
For instance
, having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
manager or friendly colleagues can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a huge difference to worker's levels of happiness and general attribute of life.
Consequently
, he or she cannot share personal perspectives on projects
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that productivity will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
,
therefore
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this.

In conclusion
, although a great deal of monthly remuneration does matter, I
strongly
assert that job satisfaction has tremendous advantages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
individuals exhilarated and stimulated.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay Big Salary is much more important than the job satisfaction. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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