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Because of the busy pace of modern life, many children spend most of their time indoors and have little exposure to the natural world. v.2

Because of the busy pace of modern life, many children spend most of their time indoors and have little exposure to the natural world. v. 2
Living in a modern hustle-bustle world narrowing interaction between children and nature. Compared with 50 years ago, nowadays they prefer to spend most of the time using smartphone rather than playing outside. However, this phenomenon has profound drawbacks for the intellectual and physical social development. Brain cells improvement for children proliferate rapidly during the first five year. Interact with nature can develop their intelligence since they are born as an innate scientist with inquisitive mind. Environment gives an open-ended learning laboratory for a child where they can explore and discover. For instance, by observing how butterfly experiences life cycle from caterpillar into a stunning butterfly, they could learn about metamorphosis. These will lead a child to become a creative, intelligent, and observant person. Open nature is decent for children’s physic as they move their body during play time. Invigorate fresh air also gives opportunity for them to exercise and do physical activities which is good for their lungs. At the same time, they can absorb vitamin D from the sun which is good for their bones and immune system. Moreover, active movement will burn more calories hence will avoid from obesity. Although myriad parents worry about the dangers of playing outside due to the virus, bacteria, or accident, the advantages of interact with nature for body is overweight its disadvantages. To conclude, children need an interactive learning in a nature as they grow up so that they will develop their intelligence and health. These will foster their balance improvement between brain and physic which is valuable for education. Once they becoming adults, they will have no time for doing such a thing since they have to spend their time for work and career development.
Living in a modern hustle-bustle world narrowing interaction between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nature
. Compared with 50 years ago, nowadays they prefer to spend most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
using smartphone
rather
than playing outside.
However
, this phenomenon has profound drawbacks for the intellectual and physical social development.

Brain cells improvement for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
proliferate
rapidly
during the
first
five year. Interact with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nature
can develop their intelligence since they
are born
as an innate scientist with inquisitive mind. Environment gives an open-ended learning laboratory for a child where they can explore and discover.
For instance
, by observing how butterfly experiences life cycle from caterpillar into a stunning butterfly, they could learn about metamorphosis. These will lead a child to become a creative, intelligent, and observant person.

Open
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nature
is decent for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
physic as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
their body during play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. Invigorate fresh air
also
gives opportunity for them to exercise and do physical activities which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for their lungs. At the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, they can absorb vitamin D from the sun which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for their bones and immune system.
Moreover
, active movement will burn more calories
hence
will avoid from obesity. Although myriad parents worry about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of playing outside due to the virus, bacteria, or accident, the advantages of interact with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nature
for body is overweight its disadvantages.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need an interactive learning in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nature
as they grow up
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they will develop their intelligence and health. These will foster their balance improvement between brain and physic which is valuable for education. Once
Did you mean "they're becoming", "they are becoming", or "they were becoming"?
they becoming
adults, they will have no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for doing such a thing since they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for work and career development.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay Because of the busy pace of modern life, many children spend most of their time indoors and have little exposure to the natural world. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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