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Attraction of astronomy for me

Attraction of astronomy for me kbxrR
Since the emergence of cognitive humans, our species has been curious about what is beneath their feet and more profoundly about what is above their heads. Therefore, I’ve followed in their footsteps and this inquisitive brain, the product of thousands of years of evolution, persuaded me as an adolescent to look for some comprehensible answers for my question. Along this path I was stunned frequently by the magnificence of my broadened knowledge, so every time it made me think, how much is remained, waiting for me to be perceived? Nowadays, the formation of the question is adjusted but its foundation is solid. How much do I have acquired throughout my flickering life? Inherent and internal beauty always matters to me. For instance, imagine a white sphere shifted to blue on its lateral surface. Glowing significantly, surrounded by luminous corona for a long distance. Inwardly, divided into layers of distinct materials. Commencing its life relentlessly and leaving behind all its constituents by an elegant firework out of self-destruction. Stars have their epic tales but our short-lived species is not able to observe and narrate their chronicle precisely. Darkness and frostiness are common attributes of the reachable heavens which are not optimized for fragile mammals such as a human. Stardust has produced something far exotic with its origin. However, that is exactly what attracts me to this field of science, astronomy. Although the public has conceptualized astronomy as an entertaining activity, astronomers and astrophysicists have woven an invincible inheritance for our interstellar-traveler descendants.
Since the emergence of cognitive humans, our species has been curious about what is beneath their feet and more
profoundly
about what is above their heads.
Therefore
, I’ve followed in their footsteps and this inquisitive brain, the product of thousands of years of evolution, persuaded me as an adolescent to look for
some
comprehensible answers for my question. Along this path I
was stunned
frequently
by the magnificence of my broadened knowledge,
so
every time it made me
think
, how much
is remained
, waiting for me to
be perceived
? Nowadays, the formation of the question
is adjusted
but
its foundation is solid. How much do I have acquired throughout my flickering life?

Inherent and internal beauty always matters to me.
For instance
, imagine a white sphere shifted to blue on its lateral surface. Glowing
significantly
, surrounded by luminous corona for a long distance.
Inwardly
, divided into layers of distinct materials. Commencing its life
relentlessly
and leaving behind all its constituents by an elegant firework out of self-destruction. Stars have their epic tales
but
our short-
lived
species is not able to observe and narrate their chronicle
precisely
.

Darkness and frostiness are common attributes of the reachable heavens which are not optimized for fragile mammals such as a human. Stardust has produced something far exotic with its origin.
However
,
that is
exactly what attracts me to this field of science, astronomy. Although the public has conceptualized astronomy as an entertaining activity, astronomers and astrophysicists have woven an invincible inheritance for our interstellar-traveler descendants.
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IELTS essay Attraction of astronomy for me

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
251 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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