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At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the the advantages of this situation out weight the disadvantages? v.8

The number of young people are overtaking from the elder population year on year. There are some merits and demerits about this change in balance of world population. In my opinion, the benefits of increase in population of young people is more, compared with rising the number of old people. Thanks to the improvement of living standards by some governments and increasing the birth rate in some countries, the population of youngsters are exceeding the figure of the old, which definitely has various positive effects on different aspects. Firstly, the governments enjoy the young and energetic workforce who can lead their country to walk in development path by their novel and innovative ideas. Secondly, the government can adopt a supportive policy to train versatile and professional researchers, who can help to increase the quality of their infrastructures, an undeniable part of developed countries. Finally, this abundance of workers result in early-retirement or even mandatory-retirement of the old which can provide a pleasure time for them to spent their rest of life in peace. On the other hand, the dominancy of young adults on the old can have negative impacts on the governments approaches or the people of the country. The first and the most indispensable impact is mandatory-retirement, which is also a positive point; however, it can prevent the youngsters to gain the most usage from the experiences of the old. Training skillful and productive managers is a consuming process, which will take longer by this policy. In addition, growing up sharply the number of young people needs to prepare more job opportunities by the government which absolutely require immense expenses. Also, the young people should work harder to afford the cost living of their elder family due to the low pension of the old. In conclusion, I believe that it is more beneficial to have the larger young population, but it needs to manage efficiently to use the maximum profits.
The number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are overtaking from the elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
year on year. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
merits and demerits about this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in balance of world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
. In my opinion, the benefits of increase in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is more, compared with rising the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Thanks to the improvement of living standards by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
and increasing the birth rate in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of youngsters are exceeding the figure of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
, which definitely has various
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
aspects.
Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
enjoy the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
and energetic workforce who can lead their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
to walk in development path by their novel and innovative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
.
Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
can adopt a supportive policy to train versatile and professional researchers, who can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to increase the quality of their infrastructures, an undeniable part of developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
Finally
, this abundance of workers result in early-retirement or even mandatory-retirement of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
which can provide a pleasure time for them to spent their rest of life in peace.

On the other hand
, the dominancy of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
can have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
approaches or the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. The
first
and the most indispensable impact is mandatory-retirement, which is
also
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
point;
however
, it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
the youngsters to gain the most usage from the experiences of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
. Training skillful and productive managers is a consuming process, which will take longer by this policy.
In addition
, growing up
sharply
the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
needs to prepare more job opportunities by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
which
absolutely
require immense expenses.
Also
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should work harder to afford the cost living of their elder family due to the low pension of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.

In conclusion
, I believe that it is more beneficial to have the larger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it needs to manage
efficiently
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the maximum profits.
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IELTS essay At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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