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At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v.31

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 31
It is undoubtedly the case that the percentages of young adults are higher than those of older people in some countries. One idea that has been put forward by many people is that it can be a positive effect. However, some people find that it is possible to have catastrophic effects. The essay will look at both sides of this controversial issue. It is certainly true that lots of young adults cause significant effects on the society in some extent in some countries. The main reason for this view is that most of young adults not only has willing to face difficulties that correspond to their work, but also is bold to encounter challenges. Furthermore, they are more energetic and creative to do a variety of attempts. This is beneficial for the development of the society. In contrast, older people are generally more conservative because they are afraid of making mistakes. On the other hand, it is easy to understand the argument against the viewpoint above. One important counterargument is that older people are more mature than young adults, and they have overcome lots of challenges, which have encouraged them to have more experiences and wisdom. As a result, their significant decisions might cause positive effects on the society or country. Likewise, it is beneficial for the young to afford more expenses for social welfare, because there are more young adults to support the funding. In conclusion, each country encounters different circumstances, and there is not an absolute standard to evaluate both sides. In my opinion, there are more advantages about more young adults in the society due to the more labour force and more job opportunities.
It is
undoubtedly
the case that the percentages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
are higher than those of older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. One
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that has
been put
forward by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
that it can be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
effect
.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
find that it is possible to have catastrophic effects. The essay will look at both sides of this controversial issue.

It is
certainly
true that lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
cause significant effects on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. The main reason for this view is that most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
has willing to face difficulties that correspond to their work,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
is bold to encounter challenges.
Furthermore
, they are more energetic and creative to do a variety of attempts. This is beneficial for the development of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
In contrast
, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
generally
more conservative
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are afraid of making mistakes.

On the other hand
, it is easy to understand the argument against the viewpoint above. One
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
counterargument is that older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more mature than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
, and they have overcome lots of challenges, which have encouraged them to have more experiences and wisdom.
As a result
, their significant decisions might cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
Likewise
, it is beneficial for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
to afford more expenses for social welfare,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
to support the funding.

In conclusion
, each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
encounters
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
circumstances, and there is not an absolute standard to evaluate both sides. In my opinion, there are more advantages about more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
due to the more
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
force and more job opportunities.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 31

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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