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asaPart 2Describe a friend of your family you remember from your childhood. You should sayWho the person wasHow your family knew this personHow often this person visited your familyAnd explain why you remember this person v.1

asaPart 2Describe a friend of your family you remember from your childhood. You should sayWho the person wasHow your family knew this personHow often this person visited your familyAnd explain why you remember this person v. 1
Sharing information about people’s private life is a heated debate these days because of the freedom use of modern social platform. There are people who believe that social media like the press should keep the people’s private data confidential, while others think that the control of those information should be managed well. In my opinion, I believe the latter view would be right if we could get people’s permission before publishing. On the one hand, revealing such a private thing in public about someone could damage their lives. That means that people could give judge about those news and without any intention of the person in charged, this could be shocking and changing their lives. And if the news is bad, they could lose their reputation in society. For instance, a numerous of famous Korean celebrities could not stand themselves after their private lives spreading on social media, as a result, some decided to kill themselves to release those burdens. On the other hand, a great impact would be made to the communities if those information is good or could be a lesson to learn and with the acknowledge of that involving individual. People tend to learn a lesson and do the same for others if the kindnesses are good sharing and knowing. That is to say that the publisher should know which news is best for sharing for the good sake of human right, not because of the profits they could make due to that breaking news. In sum, I agree that the media should have the regulations on how to approach and use the private information to make a great effect on public, and with the approval from the person who is in the news.
Sharing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
life is a heated debate these days
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the freedom
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of modern social platform. There are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who believe that social media like the press should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
data confidential, while others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the control of those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
should
be managed
well. In my opinion, I believe the latter view would be right if we could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
permission
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
publishing.

On the one hand, revealing such a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
thing in public about someone could damage their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. That means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could give judge about those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
and without any intention of the person in charged, this could be shocking and changing their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. And if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
, they could lose their reputation in society.
For instance
,
The phrase 'a numerous of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'a' and 'of'.
a numerous of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
Korean celebrities could not stand themselves after their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
spreading on social media,
as a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
decided to kill themselves to release those burdens.

On the other hand
, a great impact would
be made
to the communities if those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
or could be a lesson to learn and with the
The word 'acknowledge' is not a noun. Did you mean "acknowledgment"?
acknowledge
of that involving individual.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
tend to learn a lesson and do the same for others if the kindnesses are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
sharing and knowing.
That is
to say that the publisher should know which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
is best for sharing for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
sake of human right, not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the profits they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
due to that breaking news.

In sum, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the media should have the regulations on how to approach and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a great effect on public, and with the approval from the person who is in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay asaPart 2Describe a friend of your family you remember from your childhood. You should sayWho the person wasHow your family knew this personHow often this person visited your familyAnd explain why you remember this person v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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