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As the transportation and accommodation problem increases in big cities, some governments are encouraging the business move from the city to the rural area. Do the advantages of the outweigh the disadvantages? v.2

As the transportation and accommodation problem increases in big cities, some governments are encouraging the business move from the city to the rural area. Do the advantages of the outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2
It is the fact that nowadays the travelling and housing issues have been peaked up in bustling cities, although some governments boost the company relocate to the countryside. I consider this has more benefits than drawbacks. In my viewpoint, if the corporation can be transferred to the village area, then farming production can be reduced because people maybe work with the company to earn more money. Also, pollution would be raised up by the organizations and it has affected to people's well-being and environmental problems. In spite of this, there are noteworthy benefits, firstly it can give a chance to improve people's lives, which means people can get an opportunity to work in the enterprise and earn a high salary. Subsequently, they would be learning new skills and experience in particular fields and it will be helpful in the future of their life. So they can be changed the lifestyle of them and improving the family condition. Moreover, before people need to move to the city for a job and for better alive, but if the business will have developed in town, though they do not want to go anywhere for a job. As well as, they can spend their time with family and maintain the detachment with family members. Hence, if governments would be supporting regarding to develop business and housing colonies in the rural area, then people get the job in different kinds of sector. Also, women can get the chance to work with the organization. To conclude, due to transports and habitats causes high in huge cities and governments try to transfer the company to the villages. It can be useful to improve people’s lives and lifestyles.
It is the fact that nowadays the travelling and housing issues have
been peaked
up in bustling cities, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
boost the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
relocate to the countryside. I consider this has more benefits than drawbacks.

In my viewpoint, if the corporation can
be transferred
to the village area, then farming production can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
maybe work with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
to earn more money.
Also
, pollution would
be raised
up by the organizations and it has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's well-being and environmental problems.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
this, there are noteworthy benefits,
firstly
it can give a chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, which means
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
an opportunity to work in the enterprise and earn a high salary.
Subsequently
, they would be learning new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and experience
in particular
fields and it will be helpful in the future of their life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the lifestyle of them and improving the family condition.

Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to the city for a job and for better alive,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if the business will have developed in town, though they do not want to go anywhere for a job.
As well
as, they can spend their time with family and maintain the detachment with family members.
Hence
, if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
would be supporting
The phrase 'regarding to' is not correct. Use "regarding" or "regard to".
regarding to
develop business and housing colonies in the rural area, then
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the job in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kinds of sector.
Also
, women can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the chance to work with the organization.

To conclude
, due to transports and habitats causes high in huge cities and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
try to transfer the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
to the villages. It can be useful to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and lifestyles.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay As the transportation and accommodation problem increases in big cities, some governments are encouraging the business move from the city to the rural area. Do the advantages of the outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
280 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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