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As compared to the past, children these days spends

As compared to the past, children these days spends q60YD
Indeed, children these days spending most of their time on screens such as Televisions and computers instead of going out. As a result, they are facing health problems such as obesity, parents should abolish them. The lack of outdoor activities involves plenty of problems. First and foremost, with a sedentary lifestyle, children may suffer from chubbiness which further can be a problem for many other diseases like high blood pressure and difficulty in breathing. A Survey of a magazine, reveals that the majority of children about 70%, who are sitting in front of their computer screen lose their eight sights. Secondly, some games are highly toxic which can result in mental illnesses such as dipression and anxiety. To deal with the problem parents encourage them to play outdoor activities being a competitor of them. If parents are a part of the game, kids will become more curious to participate. After all, parents are the first heroes of their offspring. Moreover, to encourage them, parents can tell them their own stories. By doing this, they can remove their pent up stress also and can surge their children interest in outdoor sports. In conclusion, it is true that children nowadays are more homesick instead of playing outside which is causing several diseases such as adiposity. Parents are advised to play with them in order to get rid of the problem.
Indeed
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
these days spending most of their time on screens such as Televisions and computers
instead
of going out.
As a result
, they are facing health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
such as obesity,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should abolish them.

The lack of outdoor activities involves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
.
First
and foremost, with a sedentary lifestyle,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may suffer from chubbiness which
further
can be a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other diseases like high blood pressure and difficulty in breathing.

A Survey of a magazine, reveals that the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about 70%, who are sitting in front of their computer screen lose their eight sights.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
games are
highly
toxic which can result in mental illnesses such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
dipression
and anxiety.

To deal with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
encourage them to play outdoor activities being a competitor of them. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are a part of the game, kids will become more curious to participate.
After all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the
first
heroes of their offspring.

Moreover
, to encourage them,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
them their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
stories. By doing this, they can remove their
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
pent up
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
also
and can surge their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
interest in outdoor sports.

In conclusion
, it is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
nowadays are more homesick
instead
of playing outside which is causing several diseases such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
adiposity
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
are advised
to play with them in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
.
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IELTS essay As compared to the past, children these days spends

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
228 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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