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Art is considered as an important part of society as well as an expression of its culture. Do you think it is important for children to be encouraged to focus on art rather than other subjects?

Art is considered as an important part of society as well as an expression of its culture. Do you think it is important for children to be encouraged to focus on art rather than other subjects? 7a50X
Today it is universally accepted that art is fundamentally important in society as artists are able to express their culture in their work. But I strongly opine that art is extremely important for children and should study art along with other subjects. To begin with art can improve children's creativity. They will be able to imagine so many good things in their mind. As an example children make kind of gifts for holidays and they will show their talent for everybody with art. In addition, many young adults can express their emotions and feelings. It is related to art. Nonetheless many young boys can not speak until 3 ages. Art is especially good for these boys. They can imagine and think what they want then try to draw. On the other hand, parents are able to understand what their children wants from this drawing picture. As an evidence by using art individuals can do their works to relax. They will listen enjoyable musics during their work. Furthermore children have to read books which are adventure, detective and so on. Therefore, they will be able to expand their worldview. Art includes reading books too. Having considered both views, I think, art develop children's creativity along with expressing their feelings or emotions. My own view on the matter is both art and other subjects are very important for all children. If they can express their emotion with art, they will communicate and improve with other subjects.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
it is
universally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is
fundamentally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in society as artists are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to express their culture in their work.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I
strongly
opine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and should study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
along with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
subjects. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
children's creativity. They will be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to imagine
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
things in their mind. As an example
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
kind of gifts for
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
holidays and
they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their talent for everybody with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young adults can express their emotions and feelings. It
is related
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Nonetheless
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young boys can not speak until 3 ages.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Art
is
especially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for these boys. They can imagine and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
what they want then try to draw. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, parents are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to understand what their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
wants from this drawing picture.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
an evidence by using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
individuals can do their works to relax. They will listen enjoyable musics during their work.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Furthermore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
read books which are adventure, detective and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
Therefore
, they will be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to expand their worldview.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Art
includes reading books too. Having considered both views, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
develop children's creativity along with expressing their feelings or emotions. My
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
view on the matter is both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
subjects are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. If they can express their emotion with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
, they will communicate and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
subjects.
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IELTS essay Art is considered as an important part of society as well as an expression of its culture. Do you think it is important for children to be encouraged to focus on art rather than other subjects?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
244 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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