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Around the world more and more people today are living in urban areas. Why is this? What problems does this cause?

there has recently been an increasing number of people moving to several cities from rural areas, since everyone are eager to seek jobs and receive education in order to enjoy a higher standard of living. As a result, it has resulted in detrimental influences on the society. Therefore, this essay will discuss the reasons and consequences of urbanization. To commence with, the major rationale for this current phenomenon is that there are a high number of adolescents with the high fertility rates and low mortality rates, as the medical condition has ameliorated. Therefore, since there are numerous institutions in cities where adolescents can receive qualified education as well as more infrastructure compared to the countryside, numerous parents with children come to an urban area due to its convenience. Moreover, with the higher employment rate within the urban areas, the cities have vast number of well known companies, which attracts numerous young people who migrate to city areas from small towns in search of the better paid jobs. As a consequence of rapid urbanization, it has also contributes to social issues within the cities. Firstly, after higher individuals are moving to an urban area from a countryside, social chaos will arise due to a high population density. That is, citizens and the government should encounter challenges that they have to deal with, such as environmental and dwelling problems. Thus, numerous people in those areas will be under pressure, and it will only have pernicious effects on their mental health. Furthermore, a processing urbanization is also not beneficial for development, In other words, as the young people in cities are much paid higher than the elderly remaining in farming villages, the polarization become a major impediment to economic growth. For instance, India is still struggling to develop its country due to the significant gap between the rich and the poor. In conclusion, although more and more people are migrating to the cities from countryside for better occupational and education opportunities, the government should ponder the urbanization in order to prevent social problems.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter.
there
has recently been an increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
moving to several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
from rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
, since everyone
The pronoun ‘everyone’ is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: “is”, “was”, “were”.
are
eager to seek jobs and receive education in order to enjoy a higher standard of living.
As a result
, it has resulted in detrimental influences on the society.
Therefore
, this essay will discuss the reasons and consequences of urbanization. To commence with, the major rationale for this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
phenomenon is that there are a high number of adolescents with the high fertility rates and low mortality rates, as the medical condition has ameliorated.
Therefore
, since there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
numerous
institutions in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
where adolescents can receive qualified education
as well
as more infrastructure compared to the countryside,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
numerous
parents with children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to an urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
due to its convenience.
Moreover
, with the higher employment rate within the urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
have
It seems that an article is missing. Did you mean “the vast number of” or “a vast number of”?
vast number of
well known
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, which attracts
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
numerous
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who migrate to city
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
towns in search of the better paid jobs. As a consequence of rapid urbanization, it has
also
contributes to social issues within the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
.
Firstly
, after higher individuals are moving to an urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
from a countryside, social chaos will arise due to a high population density.
That is
, citizens and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should encounter challenges that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
deal with, such as environmental and dwelling problems.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
will be under pressure, and it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
have pernicious effects on their mental health.
Furthermore
, a processing urbanization is
also
not beneficial for development,
In other words
, as the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
are much paid higher than the elderly remaining in farming villages, the polarization become a major impediment to economic growth.
For instance
, India is
still
struggling to develop its country due to the significant gap between the rich and the poor.
In conclusion
, although more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are migrating to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
from countryside for better occupational and education opportunities, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should ponder the urbanization in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
social problems.

IELTS essay Around the world more and more people today are living in urban areas. Why is this? What problems does this cause?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
340 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
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