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Are famous people treated unfairly by the media? Should they be given more privacy, or is the price of their fame an invasion into their private lives? v.12

Are famous people treated unfairly by the media? Should they be given more privacy, or is the price of their fame an invasion into their private lives? v. 12
In recent years, the advent of the mass media plays a vital role in daily life. However, some of them have an impact on personal life as a debatable issue of many celebrities but I strongly believe that famous people also have the right to maintain their private life. Although the mass media make an outstanding contribution to the routine life, there is still a dark side to this picture. First of all, celebrities will be at rick because they are followed by a lot of paparazzis which interrupt their jobs. Take famous singers as a shining example, many magazines or newspapers have lots of detrimental information that tend to affect the reputation just for fame. Secondly, based on the development of technological advances, people have their own smart phones, cameras and so on, that means celebrities may struggle with many harmful effects. For example, if their competitors want to destroy their reputation, it is easy to use imagines which pose a threat to their name. However, many people argue that become famous also bring a lot of troubles to their life as a concrete proof. For instance, some idols attempt to show their scandal in order to make many people pay attention to them. In contrast, everyone has a chance to live in freedom because they simply do not want to reveal their information. For example, Keanu Reeves in the matrix films as a great example, he just lives a normal life like usual but he is the ideal model that media should respect. In conclusion, I completely believe that the mass media nowadays has not given the truth about celebrities. Besides that, they deserve to keep their own secret even if they are people of the public.
In recent years, the advent of the mass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
plays a vital role in daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them have an impact on personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
as a debatable issue of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
strongly
believe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
also
have the right to maintain their private life.

Although the mass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an outstanding contribution to the routine
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, there is
still
a dark side to this picture.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
will be at rick
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
are followed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
Possible spelling mistake found.
paparazzis
which interrupt their jobs. Take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
singers as a shining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
magazines or newspapers have lots of detrimental information that tend to affect the reputation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for fame.
Secondly
, based on the development of technological advances,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
smart phones, cameras and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on, that means
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
may struggle with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
harmful effects. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, if their competitors want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroy
their reputation, it is easy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
imagines which pose a threat to their name.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
also
bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
troubles to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
as a concrete proof.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
idols attempt to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their scandal in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
pay attention to them.
In contrast
, everyone has a chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in freedom
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
simply
do not want to reveal their information. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, Keanu Reeves in the matrix films as a great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, he
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
a normal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
like usual
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
he is the ideal model that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
should respect.

In conclusion
, I completely believe that the mass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
nowadays has not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the truth about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
.
Besides
that, they deserve to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
secret even if they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of the public.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Are famous people treated unfairly by the media? Should they be given more privacy, or is the price of their fame an invasion into their private lives? v. 12

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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