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An elementary school intends to extend the science time for children aged 5-11 and reduce music and art time.

An elementary school intends to extend the science time for children aged 5-11 and reduce music and art time. BLk6X
Effectively educating children is one of the most important issues in modern societies, which gives rise to society's prosperity in the future. Different methods are being used to improve education quality, and adopting a suitable approach is a complicated issue. Some people believe that elementary schools should allocate the maximum time for science classes and reduce music and art time regarding these methods. In my opinion, art and music are essential for children's education and should not be reduced, and I will explore my viewpoint in the following essay. First and foremost, music and art increase children's creativity and opens their minds. Learning how to play a musical instrument develops children's minds and also their hand-eye collaboration. When they try to memorize notes and try to play the note, in fact, they are challenging their brain to recite the notes and play them simultaneously, which increases their power of thinking and adjusting. Likewise, in an art class, when they try to paint something or someone, they first imagine that case in their minds and then try to draw as many details as they can. In this way, they gradually learn how to observe and remember small details. So, art and music benefit the growth of children's minds in thinking and imagination. Secondly, increasing science time puts extra pressure on children and dissuades them from studying and learning science. Most children love playing and having fun at this age, and they are less willing to deal with scientific issues. Art and music classes provide them some fun and variety among monotonous science classes. By decreasing this time and substituting it with science classes, children would get tired soon. Consequently, after some time, they would be reluctant to learn science, and even they are more likely to disgust school. For instance, when my little brother went to school, he was always overwhelmed with homework and had little fun at school. After coming back from school, he always delayed doing his homework because he was tired of heavy science classes. Some days he told me that he is unwilling to go to school. I am convinced that if their school had considered more time for art and music classes, he would not have been so dissuaded to learn science. As a result, enough time should be allocated to art and music at primary schools. In a nutshell, I disagree with reducing art and music time and alternating it with science because art and music are necessary for children's mental development, and increasing science time makes children tired less enthusiastic about learning science.
Effectively
educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
issues in modern societies, which gives rise to society's prosperity in the future.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Different
methods are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
education quality, and adopting a suitable approach is a complicated issue.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that elementary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should allocate the maximum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
regarding these methods. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
are essential for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
education and should not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
, and I will explore my viewpoint in the following essay.

First
and foremost,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
increase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
creativity and opens their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minds
. Learning how to play a musical instrument develops
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minds
and
also
their hand-eye collaboration. When they try to memorize notes and try to play the note, in fact, they are challenging their brain to recite the notes and play them
simultaneously
, which increases their power of thinking and adjusting.
Likewise
, in an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
, when they try to paint something or someone, they
first
imagine that case in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minds
and then try to draw as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
as they can. In this way, they
gradually
learn how to observe and remember
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
benefit the growth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minds
in thinking and imagination.

Secondly
, increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
puts extra pressure on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and dissuades them from studying and learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
playing and having fun at this age, and they are less willing to deal with scientific issues.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
provide them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fun and variety among monotonous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
. By decreasing this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and substituting it with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
,
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children
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
tired
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
.
Consequently
, after
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, they would be reluctant to learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
, and even they are more likely to disgust
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
For instance
, when my
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
brother went to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, he was always overwhelmed with homework and had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
fun at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. After coming back from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, he always delayed doing his homework
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he
was tired
of heavy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
days he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
me that he is unwilling to go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. I
am convinced
that if their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
had considered more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
, he would not have been
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
dissuaded to learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
should
be allocated
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
at primary schools.

In a nutshell, I disagree with reducing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and alternating it with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
are necessary for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
mental development, and increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
tired less enthusiastic about learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
.
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IELTS essay An elementary school intends to extend the science time for children aged 5-11 and reduce music and art time.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
429 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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