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An effective health care system should encourage people to take preventative measures against illness and disease, rather than encourage them to rely on treatment. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

An effective health care system should encourage people to take preventative measures against illness and disease, rather than encourage them to rely on treatment. B7nOV
These days, the development of dangerous diseases is a growing concern among people of all ages. It is argued that whether a good health care system should encourage people to delay the onset of disease by taking preventative measures or rely on medical intervention. In my view, the government should focus on prevention rather than cure. Firstly, many regimes spend an enormous amount of money in order to treat people who are suffering from various types of serious illnesses. This extravagance can be easily diminished by spending money on health education. For example, if the administration preaches that smoking and drinking are bad things for the human body through this healthcare educational program, many people will not be attacked by the severe sickness. It is no doubt that this practical measure can bring colossal economic benefits to the government. Secondly, many governments are making considerable efforts to fight against several types of diseases, such as diabetes and heart diseases. Before these health problems assault the people, they can be ceased by taking some effective preventative measures. For instance, doing exercise or sports on a regular basis can reduce the risk of getting these serious illnesses. The construction of parks, playgrounds, and gyms can influence and encourage more people to do exercise, which can prevent them from catching life-threatening diseases. This positive result can be achieved by investing money in preventative measures from the government's health budget. In conclusion, it goes without saying that this idea is indispensable not only to people but also to the government. Therefore, the government should prioritize preventative measures over medical treatment.
These days, the development of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
is a growing concern among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of all ages. It
is argued
that whether a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care system should encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to delay the onset of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
by taking preventative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
measures
or rely on medical intervention. In my view, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should focus on prevention
rather
than cure.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
regimes spend an enormous amount of money in order to treat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are suffering from various types of serious illnesses. This extravagance can be
easily
diminished by spending money on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
education.
For example
, if the administration preaches that smoking and drinking are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
things for the human body through this healthcare educational program,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will not
be attacked
by the severe sickness. It is no doubt that this practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
measure
can bring colossal economic benefits to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
are making considerable efforts to fight against several types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
, such as diabetes and heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Before
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problems assault the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, they can
be ceased
by taking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
effective preventative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
measures
.
For instance
, doing exercise or sports on a regular basis can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of getting these serious illnesses. The construction of parks, playgrounds, and gyms can influence and encourage more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to do exercise, which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them from catching life-threatening
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
. This
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
result can
be achieved
by investing money in preventative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
measures
from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
budget.

In conclusion
, it goes without saying that this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
is indispensable not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
.
Therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should prioritize preventative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
measures
over medical treatment.
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IELTS essay An effective health care system should encourage people to take preventative measures against illness and disease, rather than encourage them to rely on treatment.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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