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Almost all of us have famous figures that we admire and expressing that admiration is very normal. Recently, the community is intrigued with the fact that some wealthy young people spend a lot of money to meet their idols or organize events to express their admiration to their idols. What is your opinion on this?

Almost all of us have famous figures that we admire and expressing that admiration is very normal. Recently, the community is intrigued with the fact that some wealthy young people spend a lot of money to meet their idols or organize events to express their admiration to their idols. What is your opinion on this? MygYk
In the past, the entertainment sector was not well developed as people from this field were not popularly recognized or supported by the public. Nonetheless, in the era of modernization and globalization nowadays, celebrities have gradually become an essential part of our life. I guess not only me, but a number of young people have also been highly impressed by several famous figures in the world. From that point, most wealthy young people have no trouble spending a lot of money to make their dreams come true by meeting celebrities in real life or arranging events for their idols. Personally speaking, I believe that there are numerous factors to advocate that celebrities must be worthy of receiving admiration from their passionate fans as they deserve. First of all, every celebrity must have taken many risks and time to make a successful career. Not only do idols have to practice and train for a long time at the company, but they also need to pay a lot of money to create and publish their visual artwork to the public. In the harsh and severe working environment like the K-Pop industry or Hollywood, the opportunity to make a first public appearance demands celebrities to even work harder and pay more. Consequently, the money paid by some wealthy young people who are their admirers will be the measurements to justify the hefty sums earned by them. Similar to other social work careers, an idol also deserves this money from their fans to pay for both previous payments and the basic needs of humans at the present. In our day-to-day mundane routine, if teachers, professors, headmasters are habitually appreciated as a career sharing and imparting knowledge for people, celebrities in general and idols in particular are also appropriate to acknowledge as a job that rescues us from the boredom and monotony. Nevertheless, celebrities’ careers often last for a shorter span of time than other jobs. To be more detailed, other professionals frequently keep their regular salaries all year round, while celebrities have to stop their career instantly whenever falling ill or getting injuries due to the different working conditions. As a result, their short careers and dedication deserve to receive suitable rewards and corresponding admiration in higher proportions from their fans. If engineers, doctors, and teachers are ordinarily sung the praises by the middle-aged people on televisions, newspapers, and magazines, wealthy young people totally obtain permission to speak highly of their idols by organizing events to express their admiration for them. To sum up, all the above points fortify my opinion that celebrities, especially idols, are worthy of receiving payments and admiration from their fans as they deserve. Conversely, young people should do heart-searching and consider carefully to ensure that an idol they are following totally deserves our time, money and efforts. Besides, young admirers also need to calculate the sensible and reasonable expenses to pay for supporting celebrities. In other words, expressing our admiration for idols by spending a lot of money is not always the right choice for young people. Instead, the payment should be logical and rational depending on the average monthly income and economic conditions of each person.
In the past, the entertainment sector was not
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well developed
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from this field were not
popularly
recognized or supported by the public. Nonetheless, in the era of modernization and globalization nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
have
gradually
become an essential part of our life. I guess not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
me,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
also
been
highly
impressed by several
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
figures in the world. From that point, most wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have no trouble spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their dreams
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
true by meeting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
in real life or arranging
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idols
.
Personally
speaking, I believe that there are numerous factors to advocate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be worthy of receiving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admiration
from their passionate fans as they deserve.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have taken
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idols
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
practice and train for a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
also
need to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to create and publish their visual artwork to the public. In the harsh and severe working environment like the K-Pop industry or Hollywood, the opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
first
public appearance demands
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
to even work harder and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
more.
Consequently
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
paid by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are their admirers will be the measurements to justify the hefty sums earned by them. Similar to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
social work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
, an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idol
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deserves
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
from their fans to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
for both previous payments and the basic needs of humans at the present.

In our day-to-day mundane routine, if teachers, professors, headmasters are
habitually
appreciated as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
sharing and imparting knowledge for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
in general
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idols
in particular
are
also
appropriate to acknowledge as a job that rescues us from the boredom and monotony.
Nevertheless
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
last for a shorter span of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
jobs. To be more detailed,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professionals
frequently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their regular salaries all year round, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
instantly
whenever falling ill or getting injuries due to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
working conditions.
As a result
, their short
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
and dedication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deserve
to receive suitable rewards and corresponding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admiration
in higher proportions from their fans. If engineers, doctors, and teachers are
ordinarily
sung the praises by the middle-aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
on televisions, newspapers, and magazines, wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
totally
obtain permission to speak
highly
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idols
by organizing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
to express their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admiration
for them.

To sum up, all the above points fortify my opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
,
especially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idols
, are worthy of receiving payments and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admiration
from their fans as they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deserve
.
Conversely
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should do heart-searching and consider
carefully
to ensure that an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idol
they are following
totally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deserves
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and efforts.
Besides
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
admirers
also
need to calculate the sensible and reasonable expenses to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
for supporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, expressing our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admiration
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idols
by spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is not always the right choice for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Instead
, the payment should be logical and rational depending on the average monthly income and economic conditions of each person.
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IELTS essay Almost all of us have famous figures that we admire and expressing that admiration is very normal. Recently, the community is intrigued with the fact that some wealthy young people spend a lot of money to meet their idols or organize events to express their admiration to their idols. What is your opinion on this?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
528 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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