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Alhocol and tobacco should be banned

Alhocol and tobacco should be banned yPaBr
It is believed by several individuals that alcohol and tobacco products commerce are to be prohibited so as to diminish delinquency rate. Although I partially subscribe to this opinion as these products are main causes of crimes nowadays, I also opine that ceasing trade of such commodities is highly likely to instigate unprecedented unemployment. On the one hand, most crimes are currently arising due to the presence of these harmful products. There is no gainsaying that majority of crimes are committed by alcohol addicts in society. When people consume excessive quantity of alcohol, they become unconscious of what they are doing and consequences of their actions; therefore, they are more likely to commit a crime. It is medically proven that when people consume excessive amount of alcoholic products, the likelihood of committing a serious crime is so high since people fail to realize what they are doing due to absence of sufficient consciousness. Nevertheless, if alcohol and tobacco commodities are banned, it may instigate high level of unemployment. A plethora of people are employed in industries which specialize in manufacturing alcohol and cigarette. Consequently, if alcohol and tobacco commerce is legitimately prohibited, the number of unemployed people is axiomatically about to increase significantly. If a factory which manufactures alcohol is ceased, it will lead to redundancies of its employees. As a result, those unemployed people will suffer financially, which will also cause social issues. To recapitulate briefly, I am partially in favor of this opinion as crime rate can be reduced substantially, but I also believe that ceasing alcohol and tobacco commerce might lead to profound escalation in unemployment.
It
is believed
by several individuals that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tobacco
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
commerce are to
be prohibited
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
diminish delinquency rate. Although I
partially
subscribe to this opinion as these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
are main causes of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
nowadays, I
also
opine that ceasing trade of such commodities is
highly
likely to instigate unprecedented unemployment.

On the one hand, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
are
currently
arising due to the presence of these harmful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
. There is no gainsaying that majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
are committed
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
addicts in society. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consume excessive quantity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
, they become unconscious of what they are doing and consequences of their actions;
therefore
, they are more likely to commit a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
. It is
medically
proven that when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consume excessive amount of alcoholic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
, the likelihood of committing a serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
high since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
fail to realize what they are doing due to absence of sufficient consciousness.

Nevertheless
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tobacco
commodities
are banned
, it may instigate high level of unemployment. A plethora of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are employed
in industries which specialize in manufacturing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
and cigarette.
Consequently
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tobacco
commerce is
legitimately
prohibited, the number of unemployed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is
axiomatically
about to increase
significantly
. If a factory which manufactures
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
is ceased
, it will lead to redundancies of its employees.
As a result
, those unemployed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will suffer
financially
, which will
also
cause social issues.

To recapitulate
briefly
, I am
partially
in favor of this opinion as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
substantially
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
also
believe that ceasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tobacco
commerce might lead to profound escalation in unemployment.
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IELTS essay Alhocol and tobacco should be banned

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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