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agree or disagree with the existence of dangerous sports

agree or disagree with the existence of dangerous sports Lqo23
Whether people should engage in dangerous sports is thought-provoking. Some people claim that this action could generate huge profit to the industry while others subscribe to the idea that these sports worsen children’s awareness. I partly stand in line with the latter idea for the following reasons. First of all, not only could playing sports enhance physical health, strengthen the muscles but it also increases the stamina after a long time of training. Sadly enough, these sports could worsen awareness since children who often watch such sports will see violence as the only way to solve difficulties and reduce stress. Aside from that, investment in technology to support sports and insurance exerts detrimental effects on national economy. Some spectators lose a big amount of money due to heavily gambling and betting. Consequently, despite making a fortune from the victories, some players have to pay the same amount to cure their injuries. Secondly, surveys have indicated that, violent sports are culprit of injuries and brain damage, some participants even died of pains and injuries in a tense and endless match and heart attack as well as strokes tend to be witnessed among audience. Despite these negative effects, dangerous sports are considered to be a million-dollar industry as it generates huge profit to the industry and advertising, in addition to the players. Apart from that, it also attracts quite a few viewers when betting and gambling could enrich some groups of people. All things considered, I partly support this decision. Much as playing dangerous sports gives rise to a detrimental feelings of fear and depression, this tendency could encourage people to be more well-rounded as well as boost their confidences.
“Whether” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whether
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should engage in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
-provoking.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claim that this action could generate huge profit to the industry while others subscribe to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
worsen children’s awareness. I partly stand in line with the latter
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
for the following reasons.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
could
The verb 'could' requires the base form of the verb: "play"
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
enhance physical health, strengthen the muscles
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
also
increases the stamina after a long time of training.
Sadly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
could worsen awareness since children who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
violence as the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way to solve difficulties and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. Aside from that, investment in technology to support
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and insurance exerts detrimental effects on national economy.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
spectators lose a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
amount of money due to
heavily
gambling and betting.
Consequently
, despite making a fortune from the victories,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
players
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay the same amount to cure their injuries.

Secondly
, surveys have indicated that, violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are culprit of injuries and brain damage,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
participants even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
of pains and injuries in a tense and endless match and heart attack
as well
as strokes tend to
be witnessed
among audience. Despite these
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are considered
to be a million-dollar industry as it generates huge profit to the industry and advertising,
in addition
to the players. Apart from that, it
also
attracts quite a few viewers when betting and gambling could enrich
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
groups of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

All things considered, I partly support this decision. Much as playing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
gives rise to a detrimental
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "feeling"?
feelings
of fear and depression, this tendency could encourage
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to be more well-rounded
as well
as boost their confidences.

IELTS essay agree or disagree with the existence of dangerous sports

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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