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The famous festival in our country

The famous festival in our country 52W8B
Of 13 festivals in our country, Thingyan festival is the most famous and my favourite festival. Thingyan is a new year festival and it means transition from old year to new year. Burmese people call it the merriest festival of the year. And Thailand’s Songkran and Combodia’s Chaul Chnam are similar to our country Thingyan Festival. Thingyan is burmese water festival. It’s handed from Hindu costum of India. Over one thousand year, at least, I think. It is a festival that has been celebrated for generation. And the festival is really our burmese culture. Thingyan festival is held in April and it month called Tagu in Myanmar. Thingyan is celebrated four days a year as A Kyo, A Kya, A Kyat, A Tet and new year’s day. However, in a leap year, it is celebrated five days. On the eve day of last year I volunteered with my mother at a religious center. It’s held all prts of Myanmar to have get well and friendship for the elders as well as the young ones. And on the second day, our family visited the booths and played in the water. The Thingyan is very fun in our pyapon town. There are many booths and a big temporary booth in front of Thri Anwar hall. There are also live perfomance and armor groups at night. In the booth some people sang songs and the ladies daced in similar costume and garlands wear. Then, on the second day, our family visited the booths and played in the water. And, on the third day, we made mon-lone-yeibaw, it is our traditional food. And we shared it our neighbors. Our family offered foods monks in the monastery at Thingyan A Tet day. And, in the evening we played in the water with my friends in front of my house. Then, we visited booths by car. That day we ended playing the water in our town. Then, on new year’s day, we cut elders nails and washed our hair. We got loving kindness excepting new things, nice going together, playing water on one aother in Thingyan Festival. So, Thingyan is one of our famous festivals.
Of 13
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festivals
in our country,
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Thingyan
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festival
is the most
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famous
and my
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favourite
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festival
.
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Thingyan
is a
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new
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year
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festival
and it means transition from
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old
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year
to
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new
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year
. Burmese
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people
call it the merriest
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festival
of the
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year
. And Thailand’s
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Songkran
and
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Combodia
’s
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Chaul
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Chnam
are similar to our country
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Thingyan
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Festival
.
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Thingyan
is
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burmese
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water
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festival
. It’s handed from Hindu
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costum
of India. Over one thousand
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year
, at least, I
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think
. It is a
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festival
that has
been celebrated
for generation. And the
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festival
is
really
our
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burmese
culture.
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Thingyan
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festival
is held
in April and
It seems that the possessive pronoun "its" fits better in this context. Please verify.
it
month called
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Tagu
in Myanmar.
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Thingyan
is celebrated
four days a
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year
as A
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Kyo
, A
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Kya
, A
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Kyat
, A Tet and
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new
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year’s
day.
However
, in a leap
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year
, it
is celebrated
five days. On the eve day of last
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year
I volunteered with my mother at a religious center. It’s held all
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prts
of Myanmar to have
Use past participle here: "got", "gotten".
get
well and friendship for the elders
as well
as the young ones. And on the second day, our family visited the booths and played in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
. The
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Thingyan
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
fun in our
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pyapon
town. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
booths and a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
temporary
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booth
in front of
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Thri
Anwar hall. There are
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
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perfomance
and armor groups at night. In the
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booth
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
sang songs and the ladies
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daced
in similar costume and garlands wear. Then, on the second day, our family visited the booths and played in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
. And, on the third day, we made
Possible spelling mistake found.
mon-lone-yeibaw
, it is our traditional food. And we shared it our neighbors. Our family offered foods monks in the monastery at
Possible spelling mistake found.
Thingyan
A Tet day. And, in the evening we played in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
with my friends in front of my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
. Then, we visited booths by car. That day we ended playing the
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water
in our town. Then, on
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new
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year’s
day, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
elders nails and washed our hair. We
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
loving kindness excepting
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new
things, nice going together, playing
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water
on one
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aother
in
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Thingyan
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Festival
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
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Thingyan
is one of our
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festivals
.
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IELTS essay The famous festival in our country

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
359 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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