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A school of thought showing that teachers should focus on teaching students core subjects, which might be essential for future careers. However, there is a more persuasive idea that athletic and artistic fields are also useful. Personally, I agree with the latter opinion owing to some following evidence.

A school of thought showing that teachers should focus on teaching students core subjects, which might be essential for future careers. However, there is a more persuasive idea that athletic and artistic fields are also useful. Personally, I agree with the latter opinion owing to some following evidence. XyVOw
A school of thought showing that teachers should focus on teaching students core subjects, which might be essential for future careers. However, there is a more persuasive idea that athletic and artistic fields are also useful. Personally, I agree with the latter opinion owing to some following evidence. First of all, academic subjects provide students of all levels with a basic foundation. This fundamental platform does not only bring students the ability to adapt to different environments but also the critical analysis in many circumstances. Students who are equipped with academic knowledge may process the new information swiftly and solve problems wisely. Moreover, core subjects in the educational systems are needed to apply to apply for financially viable careers. It can not be denied that a prominent company requires its employees to achieve excellent academic qualifications or certificates to evaluate their technical expertise before hiring them. Therefore, academic performance is compulsory to long-term careers with lucrative income. On the other hand, non-academic subjects such as music, arts and sports should be involved in the curriculum as well due to its marvellous merits. Gymnastic and aesthetic fields cultivate students’ interpersonal skills namely collaborating skills and creativity. Therefore, students can work together with their fellow friends effectively. Moreover, a rich imagination inspires youngsters to create sociable interactions since they are capable of putting themselves in other’s positions. In addition, learning non-core subjects can help students discover their own potential. For example, if one is endowed with angelic voice, she can become a talented singer or an MC when she grows up. Thanks to this wonderful discovery, students are able to achieve their full potential, which may bring the most outstanding success to the career path. In conclusion, even though academic education is considered the prime factor in formal schooling, we should not ignore those amazing merits that non-academic subjects bring to us.
A school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
showing that teachers should focus on teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
core
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, which might be essential for future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
.
However
, there is a more persuasive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that athletic and artistic fields are
also
useful.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the latter opinion owing to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
following evidence.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
of all levels with a basic foundation. This fundamental platform does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
the ability to adapt to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
environments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the critical analysis in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
circumstances.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
who
are equipped
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
knowledge may process the new information
swiftly
and solve problems
wisely
.
Moreover
, core
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
in the educational systems
are needed
This phrase is duplicated. You should probably leave only "to apply".
to apply to apply
for
financially
viable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
. It can not
be denied
that a prominent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
requires its employees to achieve excellent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
qualifications or certificates to evaluate their technical expertise
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
hiring them.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
performance is compulsory to long-term
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
with lucrative income.

On the other hand
, non-academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as music, arts and sports should
be involved
in the curriculum
as well
due to its
Possible spelling mistake. 'marvellous' is British English.
marvellous
merits. Gymnastic and aesthetic fields cultivate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
interpersonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
namely
collaborating
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and creativity.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can work together with their fellow friends
effectively
.
Moreover
, a rich imagination inspires youngsters to create sociable interactions since they are capable of putting themselves in other’s positions.
In addition
, learning non-core
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
discover their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
potential.
For example
, if one
is endowed
with angelic voice, she can become a talented singer or an MC when she grows up. Thanks to this wonderful discovery,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are able to achieve their full potential, which may bring the most outstanding success to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
path.

In conclusion
,
even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
education
is considered
the prime factor in formal schooling, we should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
those amazing merits that non-academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
bring to us.
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IELTS essay A school of thought showing that teachers should focus on teaching students core subjects, which might be essential for future careers. However, there is a more persuasive idea that athletic and artistic fields are also useful. Personally, I agree with the latter opinion owing to some following evidence.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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  • A school of thought showing that teachers should focus on teaching students core subjects, which might be essential for future careers. However, there is a more persuasive idea that athletic and artistic fields are also useful. Personally, I agree with the latter opinion owing to some following evidence.