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A rise in the standard of living in a country only seems to benefit cities rather than rural areas. What problems might this difference causes? How might these problems reduce? v.1

A rise in the standard of living in a country only seems to benefit cities rather than rural areas. What problems might this difference causes? How might these problems reduce? v. 1
Owing to some reasons, few people like to make extra efforts at their institutes and workplaces as compared to their peers. This essay will outline the reasons behind this, and discuss why, I believe, in spite of its merits, it also has demerits. At the outset, there could be various causes for which individuals like to work harder. Firstly, from a career perspective, career progression is one of the motivators that drive employees to outperform. Because it can lead to better chances of promotions, huge wages, bonuses and other non-monetary rewards. As a result, such hard workers can reap the bounties of their dedication towards works. Secondly, in the case of education, owing to the urge of getting appreciation, students are encouraged to put extra efforts into their curriculum. Because teachers are more likely to appreciate such brilliant children, who have got good grades. Obviously, by performing better they can choose their majors in their interesting sectors such as Medical, Science and Space research. Therefore, working hard can provide significant rewards for highly motivated people. Moving on, while industriousness is considered as a formula that leads to success, overwork could have negative outcomes. By making extra efforts not only the pupils can enjoy the success at their academies, but also hardworking workforce can reach the top-notch positions. As a result, they can live a highly admired materialistic life. Prime Minister Narendra Modi, for example, once a tea vendor, is now enjoying a successful political career due to his industriousness. However, the obsession with career and education might be a cause of physical and psychological disorders. People, who are over-indulged into their interested field, perhaps may not bother about their diet, hygiene and recreation, and its negative effects could be dire ailments like diabetes, hypertension and many more. A report published in the Times of India revealed that school-going children are suffering from various health complications because of stress due to over-study. In conclusion, although hard work can be beneficial to have better study and successful career, not all the consequences of its have been positive.
Owing to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons, few
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
extra efforts at their institutes and workplaces as compared to their peers. This essay will outline the reasons behind this, and discuss why, I believe,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
its merits, it
also
has demerits.

At the outset, there could be various causes for which individuals like to work harder.
Firstly
, from a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
perspective,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
progression is one of the motivators that drive employees to outperform.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
it can lead to better chances of promotions, huge wages, bonuses and other non-monetary rewards.
As a result
, such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
workers can reap the bounties of their dedication towards works.
Secondly
, in the case of education, owing to the urge of getting appreciation, students
are encouraged
to put extra efforts into their curriculum.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
teachers are more likely to appreciate such brilliant children, who have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
grades.
Obviously
, by performing better they can choose their majors in their interesting sectors such as Medical, Science and Space research.
Therefore
, working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
can provide significant rewards for
highly
motivated
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Moving on, while industriousness
is considered
as a formula that leads to success, overwork could have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
outcomes. By making extra efforts not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the pupils can enjoy the success at their academies,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
hardworking workforce can reach the top-notch positions.
As a result
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a
highly
admired materialistic life. Prime Minister Narendra
Possible spelling mistake found.
Modi
,
for example
, once a tea vendor, is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
enjoying a successful political
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
due to his industriousness.
However
, the obsession with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
and education might be a cause of physical and psychological disorders.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
, who are over-indulged into their interested field, perhaps may not bother about their diet, hygiene and recreation, and its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects could be dire ailments like diabetes, hypertension and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more. A report published in
If the term is a proper noun, use the suggested capitalization.
the Times of India
revealed that school-going children are suffering from various health complications
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
due to over-study.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work can be beneficial to have better study and successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
, not all the consequences of its have been
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay A rise in the standard of living in a country only seems to benefit cities rather than rural areas. What problems might this difference causes? How might these problems reduce? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
345 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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