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A Persons worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions .do you agree or disagree with this opinion ?

A Persons worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. with this opinion? mL571
These days many people seek to have society position and expensive material. So the other member of community impress by them. In my opinion, that is a huge mistake to judge some one according to his appearance. It seems to be a human normality that every one look for money. Then when they have money start to seek behind a high position in the country, however, the number of people are increasing everyday, as result for this increasing, the people have to change their believes and reject the old habits. Then turn into another system in life. On the other hands, there are many stay on their cultures, they refuse any attempt to fluctuate their mind. and they clime that every one in life will take his luck, So there are no need to change your entire life just because you want to govern on society. In conclusion, there are many challenge in our life, part of people choose the social status to reach his goals, and the other side choose the honor as logo for his life and that will gain benefit for each side.
These days
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
seek to have society position and expensive material.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
the other member of community impress by them. In my opinion,
that is
a huge mistake to judge
Did you mean "someone"?
some one
according to his appearance. It seems to be a human normality that every one look for money. Then when they have money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to seek behind a high position in the country,
however
, the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are increasing
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
, as result for this increasing, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their
Did you mean "beliefs" (noun) instead of believes (verb)?
believes
and reject the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
habits. Then turn into another system in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. On the other hands, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "stays"?
stay
on their cultures, they refuse any attempt to fluctuate their mind.
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
and
Do not use a noun immediately after the pronoun 'they'. Use a verb or an adverb, or possibly some other part of speech.
they clime
that every one in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
will take his luck,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
there are no need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
your entire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
you want to govern on society.

In conclusion
, there are
Possible agreement error. The noun challenge seems to be countable; consider using: "many challenges".
many challenge
in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
choose the social status to reach his goals, and the other side choose the honor as logo for his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and that will gain benefit for each side.
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IELTS essay A Persons worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. with this opinion?

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
186 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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