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A new law makes it illegal for employers to reject applications based on age. Do you think it is positive or negative? v.2

A new law makes it illegal for employers to reject applications based on age. Do you think it is positive or negative? v. 2
In the past, hiring process used to ask for candidates from certain age group only. There are still some government jobs which clearly mention age requirement of 18-35 years only. A new law puts restriction on employers for having age criteria on job posting. Some may argue such restriction may not be in favor of employers. In my personal opinion this law will bring positive change in the workforce. Currently, many companies follow standard hierarchy based structure which requires you to have certain number of years of experience. Some young dynamic candidates who even though possess the right skills, find it hard to climb up corporate ladder. Instead it is proven many times in recent studies that if a company is more diversified and inclusive, it have better chance of generating good financial results and overall employee satisfaction. Hiring right people for the right job proves to be more positive than just focusing on number of years of experience or age. Besides, there are people who loves to be programmers even at age of 60 and there are young graduate who possess very good managerial skill. Providing equal opportunity in employment also boosts ethical score of the company. There are two side of each coin, and in this case also we see that why some companies believe otherwise. In multi-tiered organizations, many roles requires extensive industry experience so companies need to hire experienced or more mature person for this position. For example, subject matter expert roles or production manager need to be really experts in their area and just having the right skill is not enough. These roles have importance in company functions and do require industry exposure. It is understandable that employer feels restricted by the law to not put limit on such positions. After all they also need to make profit to keep running the organization. Overall, I believe positives of this law outweighs negatives. If applied correctly, company can in fact benefit from promoting diversified work culture and may attract more people wanting to join their company which ultimately brings growth and prosperity.
In the past, hiring process
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ask for
candidates from certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
group
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
. There are
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
jobs which
clearly
mention
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
requirement of 18-35 years
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
. A new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
puts restriction on employers for having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
criteria on job posting.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
may
Possible agreement error - use third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "argues".
argue
such restriction may not be in favor of employers. In my personal opinion this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
will bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in the workforce.

Currently
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
follow standard hierarchy based structure which requires you to have certain number of years of experience.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
young dynamic candidates who
even though
possess the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
right
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, find it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to climb up corporate ladder.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Instead
it
is proven
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
times in recent studies that if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
is more diversified and inclusive, it
Did you mean "has"?
have
better chance of generating
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
financial results and
overall
employee satisfaction. Hiring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
right
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
right
job proves to be more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
focusing on number of years of experience or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
.
Besides
, there are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
Did you mean "love"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'people' should be used.
loves
to be programmers even at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 60 and there are young graduate who possess
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
managerial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
. Providing equal opportunity in employment
also
boosts ethical score of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.

There are two side of each coin, and
in this case
also
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
believe
otherwise
. In multi-tiered organizations,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
roles requires extensive industry experience
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
need to hire experienced or more mature person for this position.
For example
,
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "subject".
subject matter
expert roles or production manager need to be
really
experts in their area and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
having the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
right
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
. These roles have importance in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
functions and do require industry exposure. It is understandable that employer feels restricted by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
to not put limit on such positions.
“After” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
After
all they
also
need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
profit to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
running the organization.

Overall
, I believe positives of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
outweighs negatives. If applied
correctly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
can in fact benefit from promoting diversified work culture and may attract more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
wanting to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
which
ultimately
brings growth and prosperity.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay A new law makes it illegal for employers to reject applications based on age. Do you think it is positive or negative? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
346 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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