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A Narrative paragraph about an memorable experience in your life

A Narrative paragraph about an memorable experience in your life XyKm8
It was a nice morning and I was taking my wonderful summer trip. There were two women crossing to me when I was sitting on the shore. They started to ask me about some nonsense things like my name, my age, and if I want to have a rich husband. This sounds like prostitution brokers and I thought that was who they were. After a few minutes of suffering to answer, I decided to stand up and walk away. However, the moment I got to my feet, I felt extremely dizzy and could not stand firm. Then I swooned immediately and could not be aware of anything around anymore. When I fell down, I just heard my brother say “Hey, let my sister go” and I felt that a lot of people ran to me. After taking a nap, I woke up and saw all members of my family were there. I asked about what had happened and my mother just said I almost became a Chinese daughter-in-law. It was five minutes and I felt frightened about everything that had just come to me. There was a little bit of fear and funk. After that, I have understood my mother’s advice more about never interacting with strangers when we are alone.
It was a nice
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
morning and
I was taking my wonderful summer trip. There were two women crossing to me when I was sitting on the shore. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to ask me about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nonsense things like my name, my age, and if I want to have a rich husband. This sounds like prostitution
You should probably use "broker".
brokers
and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that was who they were. After a few minutes of suffering to answer, I decided to stand up and walk away.
However
, the moment I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
to my feet, I felt
extremely
dizzy and could not stand firm. Then I swooned immediately and could not be aware of anything around anymore. When I fell down, I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
heard my brother say “Hey,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
my sister go” and I felt that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
ran to me. After taking a nap, I woke up and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
all members of my family were there. I asked about what had happened and my mother
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
said I almost became a Chinese daughter-in-law. It was five minutes and I felt frightened about everything that had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to me. There was a
Reduce redundancy by using "little" or "bit".
little bit
of fear and funk. After that, I have understood my mother’s advice more about never interacting with strangers when we are alone.
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IELTS essay A Narrative paragraph about an memorable experience in your life

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
211 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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