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A high school plans to ask their students (aged 16-17) to choose an activity to do during the summer vacation between 11th and 12th grade. Which activity do you think is more beneficial. 1. Attend weeks of university-level courses (for example, a course rel v.1

A high school plans to ask their students (aged 16-17) to choose an activity to do during the summer vacation between 11th and 12th grade. Which activity do you think is more beneficial. 1. Attend weeks of university-level courses (for example, a course rel v. 1
These days, a large number of parents appreciate the role of education. Therefore, they often encourage their children to study at the primary school as soon as possible. However, others argue that youngsters would rather start to study at least 7 years old. Although both ideas bring benefits to learners, I support the second one because of some reasons. On the one hand, it is very beneficial for children and parents to encourage children to go to school at an early age. Firstly, the younger learners are, the faster they study, so parents can discover inborn talents so soon to develop pupils’ ability. For instance, there was a music genius who was famous so soon due to been educated in the right way when he was a child. Secondly, parents can save their time to educate and take care of their children at home. In other words, children are taught to have good behaviour by their teachers. Consequently, parents only need to focus on their work. On the other hand, children get better at studying if they are mature enough. This is because they have a good awareness about the real life to know the educational value. If children join classes at an early age, they find it easy to ignore the lessons. This leads to the waste of time at schools. To conclude, despite benefits to children and parents when children are sent to school very soon, I still agree that it would rather to join schools formally at least 7 years old.
These days,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
appreciate the role of education.
Therefore
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
encourage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to study at the primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
soon
as possible.
However
, others argue that youngsters would
rather
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to study at least 7 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. Although both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
bring benefits to learners, I support the second one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons.

On the one hand, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
at an early age.
Firstly
, the younger learners are, the faster they study,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can discover inborn talents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
soon
to develop pupils’ ability.
For instance
, there was a music genius who was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
soon
due to
been educated
in the right way when he was a child.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can save their time to educate and take care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at home.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are taught
to have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
by their teachers.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
need to focus on their work.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
better at studying if they are mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
awareness about the real life to know the educational value. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
classes at an early age, they find it easy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
the lessons. This leads to the waste of time at schools.

To conclude
, despite benefits to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
soon
, I
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that it would
rather
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
formally
at least 7 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay A high school plans to ask their students (aged 16-17) to choose an activity to do during the summer vacation between 11th and 12th grade. Which activity do you think is more beneficial. 1. Attend weeks of university-level courses (for example, a course rel v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
254 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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