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A growing number of people tend to think that a rise of crime among teenagers is related to violence in media.

A growing number of people tend to think that a rise of crime among teenagers is related to violence in media. obAAw
A growing number of people tend to think that a rise of crime among teenagers is related to violence in media. Much public attention is paid to the growth of juvenile delinquency, though I do not support this opinion, as that problem can be explained by a number of reasons, because of which juvenile crime is rising significantly. First and foremost, social media. Social media offers a lot of questionable content such as violent games and films. Young people, being irresponsible, mimic violent scenes. In fact, young people can become violent after watching these programs, resulting in violent resolution of all conflicts. Secondly, problems with drugs. Teenagers become targets of drug dealers because illegal drug trafficking has become common. There are scientific evidences that the human brain is vulnerable to the negative effects of drugs that make young people want to commit crimes after they are high. Fortunately, there are numerous of confirmed solutions of that issue. At first, TV content must be carefully censored before being allowed to be televised or posted on social media; this is will lower the distribution of doubtful content among adolescents, which will lead to a decreased level of future crimes. Secondly, basic education. Schools and government should tell teenagers how important it is to obey the law and avoid use of drugs and consumption of fishy information. Luckily, they have already understood it. To sum up, problem is certainly serious, but not desperate
A growing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that a rise of crime among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
is related
to violence in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
. Much public attention
is paid
to the growth of juvenile delinquency, though I do not support this opinion, as that problem can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
by a number of reasons,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of which juvenile crime is rising
significantly
.

First
and foremost, social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
. Social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
offers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
questionable content such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
games and films. Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, being irresponsible, mimic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
scenes. In fact, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
after watching these programs, resulting in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
resolution of all conflicts.

Secondly
, problems with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Teenagers
become targets of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
dealers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because


illegal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
trafficking has become common. There are scientific evidences that the human brain is vulnerable to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to commit crimes after they are high.

Fortunately
, there are numerous of confirmed solutions of that issue.

At
first
, TV content
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
carefully
censored
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
being
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
be televised
or posted on social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
; this is will lower the distribution of doubtful content among adolescents, which will lead to a decreased level of future crimes.

Secondly
, basic education. Schools and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
it is to obey the law and avoid
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
and consumption of fishy information. Luckily, they have already understood it.

To sum up, problem is
certainly
serious,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not desperate
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IELTS essay A growing number of people tend to think that a rise of crime among teenagers is related to violence in media.

Essay
  American English
7 paragraphs
239 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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