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A friend wishes to purchase a gift for his brother who is graduating from college. He has enough money to purchase a new cell phone or a gift voucher for an experience such as horseback riding, a hot-air balloon ride, etc. He is of two minds and has asked

A friend wishes to purchase a gift for his brother who is graduating from college. He has enough money to purchase a new cell phone or a gift voucher for an experience such as horseback riding, a hot-air balloon ride, etc. He is of two minds and has asked lj1gD
people love buying a present for their relatives or friends on their birthdays’. While some people prefer to buy a concrete gift such as a new telephone, others prefer to buy a gift which is much more sentimental such as horseback riding and a hot-air balloon ride. The both gift options have some pros and cons which I will explore in the following essay. First of all, buying a gift a cell phone like creates an advantage because cell phone makes much easier people’s both daily life and business life; moreover, it is a fact that people use their phones to do lots of operations related to their both daily life and business life such as shopping on the internet and sending an email about documents. Therefore, purchasing a cell phone for someone could be beneficial for these people. On the other hand, buying a gift buy like horseback riding or a hot-air balloon ride does not have the advantage of usage in life like cell phone. Second of all, a new cell phone which you purchased as a gift has a lifetime, and it gets out of order after a while, approximately in five years. Thus, it is forgotten by the owner, for it does not have a permanence. Whereas, a gift such as horseback riding and a hot-air balloon ride creates beautiful memories for the human who is the owner of this present. When he or she remembers these memories, a human who bought a gift come to his or her mind because memories are much more long-lasting than having a short life gift such as a cell phone in order to create dramatically emotional changes in people. Finally, even though the both gift options have advantages and disadvantages, I choose to purchase a gift such as horseback riding or a hot-air balloon ride. In my opinion, the purpose of the buying a gift to someone is to remind the person that it is important for you. Besides, this is the most beautiful way to remind you this person to give beautiful memories.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buying
a present for their relatives or friends on their birthdays’. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a concrete
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
such as a new telephone, others prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
which is much more sentimental such as horseback
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
riding
and a hot-air
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
balloon
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ride
. The both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
options have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
pros and cons which I will explore in the following essay.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buying
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
like creates an advantage
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
much easier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
both daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
;
moreover
, it is a fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
to do lots of operations related to their both daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
such as shopping on the internet and sending an email about documents.
Therefore
, purchasing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
for someone could be beneficial for these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buying
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
like horseback
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
riding
or a hot-air
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
balloon
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ride
does not have the advantage of usage in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cell
phone.

Second of all, a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
which you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
has a lifetime, and it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
out of order after a while, approximately in five years.
Thus
, it
is forgotten
by the owner, for it does not have a permanence. Whereas, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
such as horseback
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
riding
and a hot-air
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
balloon
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ride
creates
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
memories
for the human who is the owner of this present. When he or she remembers these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
memories
, a human who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
mind
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
memories
are much more long-lasting than having a short
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
such as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
in order to create
dramatically
emotional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Finally
,
even though
the both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
options have advantages and disadvantages, I choose to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
such as horseback
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
riding
or a hot-air
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
balloon
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ride
. In my opinion, the purpose of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buying
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
to someone is to remind the person that it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for you.
Besides
, this is the most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
way to remind you this person to give
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
memories
.

IELTS essay A friend wishes to purchase a gift for his brother who is graduating from college. He has enough money to purchase a new cell phone or a gift voucher for an experience such as horseback riding, a hot-air balloon ride, etc. He is of two minds and has asked

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
345 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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