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A decade after the Syrian conflict, what has changed in the Syrian family shape?

A decade after the Syrian conflict, what has changed in the Syrian family shape? 5aVpm
Conflicts and wars have devastating effects on countries, not just on the physical devastation in the infrastructure, housing, and installations; It goes beyond it to another destruction that afflicts the individual, the family, and the community, which will be reshaping society in its various spheres in ways that differ, somewhat, from its initial form. In the last decade, Syrian society has been exposed to two major seismic events that had a great impact on the structure of this society in its various circles. The first is a wild wave of popular protest between 2011-2012 which carried many ideas of change, and the second is the military conflict that began in 2013 between the Syrian regime and the opposition. The Syrian family has been affected by the military conflict consequences, which has manifested as a community structure disruption, the weakening of family cohesion, and the increasing of some social problems. Although the conflict in Syria is not yet resolved, the changes in the Syrian family seem to be clear, and it may become a lasting change that could reshape the Syrian family in the future in a new way
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Conflicts
and wars have devastating effects on countries, not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
on the physical devastation in the infrastructure, housing, and installations; It goes beyond it to another destruction that afflicts the individual, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, and the community, which will be reshaping society in its various spheres in ways that differ, somewhat, from its initial form.

In the last decade, Syrian society has
been exposed
to two major seismic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
that had a great impact on the structure of this society in its various circles. The
first
is a wild wave of popular protest between 2011-2012 which carried
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
, and the second is the military
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conflict
that began in 2013 between the Syrian regime and the opposition.

The Syrian
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family
has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by the military
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conflict
consequences, which has manifested as a community structure disruption, the weakening of
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family
cohesion, and the increasing of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
social problems.

Although the
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conflict
in Syria is not
yet
resolved, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in the Syrian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
seem to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
, and it may become a lasting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
that could reshape the Syrian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
in the future
Consider replacing "in a new way" with the adverb for "new"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a new way

IELTS essay A decade after the Syrian conflict, what has changed in the Syrian family shape?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
187 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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