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A company is going to give some money either to support the arts or to protect the environment. Which do you think the company should choose? v.4

A company is going to give some money either to support the arts or to protect the environment. Which do you think the company should choose? v. 4
The invention of the automobile is undoubtedly one of the humankind's greatest inventions. However, the automobile brought us many disadvantages as well. The air nowadays is polluted by millions of cars every day. Every day clouds of exhaust are rising from the ground contaminating all around. So, I think that money from a company can be used to make our air fresher and cleaner. Another important aspect of this is the contamination of water. Water is an essential resource for all living creatures. Nothing will survive without it. Unfortunately, we spend fresh water sometimes very carelessly. Also, many factories wash away their used resources in the nearest river poisoning everything alive there. I think that monetary donations would be helpful for cleaning our water resources from oil, garbage and chemical matters. Finally, I think that now humankind faced the problem of overpopulation. The population is dramatically rising. We need more food, shelters, clothes, construction materials and space. So, many animals are extinguishing. So, I believe that this money could be spent on conducting a campaign against overpopulation. To sum up, I think that in order to make our children happy we should be more careful with the resources that we take from nature and if it is possible to restore them.
The invention of the automobile is
undoubtedly
one of the humankind's greatest inventions.
However
, the automobile brought us
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
disadvantages
as well
. The air nowadays
is polluted
by millions of cars every day. Every day clouds of exhaust are rising from the ground contaminating all around.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that money from a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our air fresher and cleaner.

Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspect of this is the contamination of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Water
is an essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
resource
for all living creatures. Nothing will survive without it. Unfortunately, we spend fresh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
carelessly
.
Also
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factories wash away their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
resources in the nearest river poisoning everything alive there. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that monetary donations would be helpful for cleaning our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
resources from oil, garbage and chemical matters.

Finally
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
humankind faced the problem of overpopulation. The population is
dramatically
rising. We need more food, shelters, clothes, construction materials and space.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
animals are extinguishing.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I believe that this money could
be spent
on conducting a campaign against overpopulation.

To sum up, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our children happy we should be more careful with the resources that we take from nature and if it is possible to restore them.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay A company is going to give some money either to support the arts or to protect the environment. Which do you think the company should choose? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
211 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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