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9 Describe a social or politics celebration event in your culture Specific examples and details are necessary in your statement v.1

9 Describe a social or politics celebration event in your culture Specific examples and details are necessary in your statement v. 1
It is true that money is a vital resource to live a comfortable life. Certain classes of people think that they should income in excess to live a high standard of living. While there are middle class people who are content with their earning to live comfortably. On the one hand, money in excess is needed to buy high quality goods. Rich and fabulous lifestyle is a way to portray status by the high class society. For instance, the celebrities buy luxury goods and items such as perfumes, designer clothing, accessories and various other expensive materials. These goods cannot be bought if you earn minimum wages. As a result, excess funds earned can be utilised to purchase these luxuries. On the other hand, where excess funds can buy luxury items, the middle class society prefers to earn less but a content life. Money cannot buy happiness and emotions of people. For example, a minimum wage employee works from 9am to 6pm from Monday to Friday. He is excited to see funds flowing in every month in his bank account. They are more content with fixed income, annual appraisals and promotions. Comfortable living is necessary than a lavish lifestyle. I am of the opinion that money is an important part of our life. We cannot live without it. Excess cash is as important as oxygen in the atmosphere. Life can be a struggle without money. Take for an instance, if parents are admitted due to a serious illness. If we have funds in excess we can utilise it at the time of emergency as safe their life. In conclusion, money can cater to all our needs and help to live a luxury lifestyle. But a content and comfortable living is possible if we are happy with our earnings. We should not struggle in life because of lack of monies.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is a vital resource to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
a comfortable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they should income in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
excess
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
a high standard of living.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
there are middle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
with their earning to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
comfortably
.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
excess
is needed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
high quality
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
. Rich and fabulous lifestyle is a way to portray status by the high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
society.
For instance
, the celebrities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
luxury
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and items such as perfumes, designer clothing, accessories and various other expensive materials. These
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
if you earn minimum wages.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
excess
funds earned can be
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilised' is British English.
utilised
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
these luxuries.

On the other hand
, where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
excess
funds can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
luxury items, the middle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
society prefers to earn less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
cannot
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
happiness and emotions of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
For example
, a minimum wage employee works from 9am to 6pm from Monday to Friday. He
is excited
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
funds flowing in every month in his bank account. They are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
income, annual appraisals and promotions. Comfortable living is
Use "(necessary)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
necessary
than a lavish lifestyle.

I am of the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. We cannot
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
without it.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Excess
cash is as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as oxygen in the atmosphere.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Life
can be a struggle without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. Take for an instance, if parents
are admitted
due to a serious illness.
“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
we have funds in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
excess
we can
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilise' is British English.
utilise
it at the time of emergency as safe their life.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can cater to all our needs and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
a luxury lifestyle.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
and comfortable living is possible if we are happy with our earnings. We should not struggle in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of lack of monies.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
I love commuting between languages just like I love commuting between cultures and cities.
Elif Safak

IELTS essay 9 Describe a social or politics celebration event in your culture Specific examples and details are necessary in your statement v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
308 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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