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709 describe a sport you would like to learnyou should saywhat it iswhat equipment is needed for ithow you would learn itand explain why you would like to learn this sport v.1

709 describe a sport you would like to learnyou should saywhat it iswhat equipment is needed for ithow you would learn itand explain why you would like to learn this sport v. 1
Every famous person's activity has an effect somewhere on other people. Some people say that professional players make good role models for the younger generation, while others think that this is not right. Through this essay I will discuss both of the points in detail and then will come to a reasonable conclusion comprising of my opinion. Famous players can play a vital role in the youth development. They are followed by many people, because of their reputation and hence their every action has a direct effect on their followers. For instance, the increasing change in fashion and the lifestyle of the youth, is caused by the specialist sports person because of their renowned status. Thus, it this clear that how important role they can play in order to alter the attitude of people. On the other hand, there are people, who argue that this saying is not right, because they believe that every person is capable enough to make the difference between right and wrong. It is further added that, though, such distinguished players have the reputation and respect in society, but this does not mean that they must be followed in every moment of life. However, this is not always true, because it is difficult to control the youngster from adopting their style as a fan can do anything for his / her followers. Thus, this thought is refused because of such reason. In conclusion, it is clear that professional sports persons can play a vital role in order to affect the lives of youth positively, because they have fans and followers everywhere. Thus, I believe that it is right to say that esteemed sports person can make a good role model for the younger generation of a community.
Every
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
person's activity has an effect somewhere on other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
say that professional players
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
models for the younger generation, while others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that this is not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
right
. Through this essay I will discuss both of the points in detail and then will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to a reasonable conclusion
Did you mean "comprising" or "consisting of"?
comprising of
my opinion.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Famous
players can play a vital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
in the youth development. They
are followed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their reputation and
hence
their every action has a direct effect on their followers.
For instance
, the increasing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in fashion and the lifestyle of the youth,
is caused
by the specialist sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their renowned status.
Thus
, it this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
they can play in order to alter the attitude of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

On the other hand
, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, who argue that this saying is not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
right
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they believe that every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
is capable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the difference between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
right
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
. It is
further
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
that, though, such distinguished players have the reputation and respect in society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this does not mean that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be followed
in every moment of life.
However
, this is not always true,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is difficult to control the youngster from adopting their style as a fan can do anything for his / her followers.
Thus
, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
is refused
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of such reason.

In conclusion
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that professional sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
can play a vital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
in order to affect the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of youth
positively
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have fans and followers everywhere.
Thus
, I believe that it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
right
to say that esteemed sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
model for the younger generation of a community.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay 709 describe a sport you would like to learnyou should saywhat it iswhat equipment is needed for ithow you would learn itand explain why you would like to learn this sport v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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