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5. Art and music are considered some of the fundamental elements of all societies

5. Art and music are considered some of the fundamental elements of all societies BYeP9
Art and music plays a significant role in various traditions and culture. Because of the importantance given to arts and music the ancient society become more civilized. Hence the society that considers art and music as a part and parcel of their culture becomes more civilized and modern. Especially the children in the community has to be taught about their traditions, arts and music pertaining to their culture so that they understand the value and essential of their own culture. Art and music not only represents a culture but also influences in creating and shaping a society. To put in otherwise “arts and music has civilized us’.
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Art
and
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music
plays a significant role in various traditions and
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culture
.
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Because
of the
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importantance
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to
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arts
and
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music
the ancient society become more civilized.
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Hence
the society that considers
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art
and
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music
as a part and parcel of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
becomes more civilized and modern.
Especially
the children in the community
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has to
be taught
about their traditions,
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arts
and
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music
pertaining to their
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culture
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they understand the value and essential of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
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culture
.
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Art
and
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music
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
represents a
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culture
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
influences in creating and shaping a society. To put in
otherwise
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“arts
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has civilized us’.

IELTS essay 5. Art and music are considered some of the fundamental elements of all societies

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
107 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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